A new kind of crazy...

Many events both wonderful and horrific have taken place as we edge ever closer to the boys second year of life. Adjusting to my new crazy hasn't been quite the seamless experience I thought it would be. Sure, I knew there would be bumps at the beginning. I mean hello twins!!! But add a heaping cup of postnatal depression, half a cup of part time working, a pinch of baby health issues for both and it creates a recipe for freaking nuts!

The one thing I never planned for in all this was my marriage to fall apart. I thought we both wanted a family. I thought we were both in this together. It turns out I was wrong. So at first I thought it was just new daddy jitters being afraid you're going to hurt them. Hell, I was afraid that I was going to hurt them! I had no idea what I was doing but having spent ages reading things on the internet I was comforted knowing all parents feel that way and somehow manage to survive. In the beginning, you just do because you have to. There is no choice.

Then as time wore on it became apparent that I was doing a lot. Perhaps he just needed someone to model for him. Nope. I left lists and schedules so he could do it his way within the perimeters needed. No. Maybe leaving for a day of much needed relaxation would show him he was a capable father. Try again. Cue Kate Gosselin. Yeah, it got things done but it did horrible, horrible things in the process. I know I don't have 8 kids but at this point I was tired exhausted.

As time marched on the boys have gotten older, we seemed to have found our rhythm. There would be really easy days where I would get out of the house with them feeling I had conquered the world. There would be days when all of us would cry and I would count down the minutes until he came home so I could at least shower!

He seemed to have slipped into the role of fatherhood. They all say a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant and a father when he holds his child. I guess he was just a little delayed…by about a year. Now they would play and interact with him. They were mobile and laughing. More importantly the boys adore him. All day long the questions of 'Dada?" and looking around for where he might be. To this day, Nicholas still prefers his father to me hands down. I think that why it all came as such a blow.

Throughout all this behind the scenes my marriage was falling apart. My husband was turning to other women. I'm not finding this out for the first time today. I found out in July 2013 when I saw pictures of her in my house while I was in the hospital having surgery and he was supposed to be taking care of the boys. Work emails- texting other women. Facebook-texting other women. Texting a relative or friend-probably texting other women. The thing is he never let that phone leave his hand. I knew. I won't go into all the details. However, each time I stumble across another piece of the puzzle it's like another knife inside me.

Today, I went to email my mother a video of the boy's birthday party from the weekend. Thanks to the awesome features of gmail it loaded his account. I saw an email he sent to her saying "I hate being a dad."

Filling in the blanks

I thought I would start by filling in the blanks between 16 and 33 weeks and really there is nothing too Earth shattering to report. I continued to have ultrasounds every 2 weeks to check on the babies and of course my rockstar cervix. The babies were always healthy and the correct size and it took about a week for me to come to terms with the fact that I was having two boys. I was tired and the heartburn was awful but I was enjoying being pregnant. Here is some photographic proof of the tummy at about 19 and half weeks for your enjoyment.

If you have read any other posts you will know that just when I think I have it all together...I don't! At 22 weeks, Simon and I went out for dinner. As we were waiting for the table I was feeling really funny. I told Simon something wasn't quite right and we discovered that I was bleeding. We headed straight for the hospital both completely beside ourselves knowing that  if I continued to bleed or if the babies had to be delivered they wouldn't make it. I still had two weeks until viability and not very good odds viability. For whatever reason the bleeding stopped just as quickly as it started. We were on another two week wait and the emotions were out of control. That is when I made the conscious choice to stop blogging rather than just being lazy and forgetting. I was deathly afraid I would jinx myself.

Things went pretty smoothly from there. From time to time it seemed we would have a small scare and go for a scan but my cervix was always closed and wasn't shortening. Just to be safe Simon and I decided that when I was home...I was laying down. It seemed to be doing the trick. No gestational diabetes, no vitamin problems...really it was all going well....untillllll.....

STILL Not Prepared

Hello again. I turned into exactly what I hate! That annoying person who regular posts and then disappears for no reason whatsoever. Well, I am back because I'm losing my tiny mind on a twice daily basis now...at least! There is lots of tell and I fully intend to fill in the holes between 16 weeks and when the boys arrived on September 6th. I have a million things flying through my head on what I should write but I really can't put together a coherent thought right now. 

Nicholas and Matthew

2 Weeks Old

To say that we weren't prepared for what happened would be the understatement of the year. We weren't prepared for me to deliver at 33 weeks. We weren't prepared for Matthew to have under developed lungs and need to be moved to a NICU at another hospital. We weren't prepared for them to spend 3 more weeks in the hospital. We weren't prepared for me to continue to be sick after they were delivered. We weren't prepared for what we would have to face when we brought them home. I am not prepared to handle what I feel on an hourly basis. We are just taking it as it comes and trying to get it all together. Right now everything sucks and I really hate it but those two are the most wonderful MIRACLE in my life. 

So Not Prepared

So my 16 weeks post is in the works and we took "better" pictures this time. I might have to get a new photographer. How do I end up feeling fat and ugly when you are suppose to be okay being fat because you're pregnant?

Anywho...we had our 16 week scan today. The best news is that the cervix is killing it! Still long and closed according to them but starting to be a little shorter than last time. I will postpone the freaking out until 18 weeks. In the meantime I will continue to sit on my ever expanding posterior to be on the safe side.

We had a MUCH MUCH nicer and thorough sonographer this time. We didn't even have to ask to hear the heartbeats. She just whacked those babies up there first thing. I honestly couldn't believe how big they are. Before they used to get both in the same shot. NOT NO MORE! The other weird thing is that Baby B is hanging out about belly button level (It is not fun to clean the ultrasound goo out of your belly button).

But today's scan came with two big shocks. The first one was they aren't a week ahead anymore. They are only a day ahead or so. They didn't measure their lengths just lots of little parts but the computer spat out 16w6 days, which is tomorrow. So apparently despite their normal size I feel MASSIVE.

On a side note, I went swimming this weekend to try and relieve the back pain. The swimming pool's mascot is the orca whale. Simon just had to mention that I had come to the right place because these were my people.

Shock number 2 is starting to wear off a little. Baby B is pretty certain to be a boy. Baby A is likely to be a boy as well but it wasn't the best shot. TWO BOYS!!! TWIN BOYS!!! I will be in a house of all BOYS (including the kitty). We were so sure we were going to have one of each or possibly 2 girls. BUT BOYS???? It has taken us 3 years to agree on ONE boy's name. There is a very good chance they will be born before we have a name for the second boy. Simon is over the moon imagining all the sports etc. I'm kinda mourning the lose of the possibility of pink and bows and baby dolls.

I did actually break down and buy my first baby item since getting pregnant. I am still worried that I will jinx it. But we bought a little sleeper that says rock star on it.

15 Weeks

So I completely missed 14 weeks. Let's not dwell on the past or how bad I am at documenting my pregnancy....

As promised the worst picture in the world of my tummy (thanks a heap uninterested husband). I am going to glam it up for next time.

How Far Along: 15 Weeks and 2 days exactly

Size of babies: 4 inches long (roughly)they usually are about a week ahead of schedule and about the size of a navel orange

Gender: We still don't know. Last time Baby A played "Hey Mom, see my butt?" and refused to show anything else. Baby B had their legs locked together and bent back to hide their parts too.

Maternity Clothes: Yes. I am in LOVE with my maternity jeans. I not sure how I will ever give them up. I still wear some of my regular tops and jammie pants.

Weight gain: I think I am up 3 kg. Won't know for sure until later.

Movement: I haven't felt anything but pressure and stretching where they like to hang. Those don't count.

Sleep: Sleeping SUCKS! I toss and turn. My back and hips hurt and now my shoulders.

Symptoms: Headaches, Heartburn, Aches and Pains, Smelling EVERYTHING!...morning sickness hasn't gone away 100%. General pregnancy fun!!!

Cravings: No real cravings yet. It's still more of what I WON'T eat. We added apple juice to the list this week.

Best moments this week: My maternity clothes! I can't begin to express the love for sitting AND breathing. My mom starting to buy the BIG baby stuff like cribs and stroller. It's starting to feel more real.

Why do they call it Heartburn?

So yes, I continue to be the suckiest blogger ever. I am still waiting for the energy of the second trimester to show up. The throwing up has pretty much tapered off only to be replaced by HEARTBURN!!

Heartburn is not a new concept to me but pregnancy heartburn is a whole new world of pain. And the fun part is there isn't much you can take to make yourself feel better. I have tried "home remedies" like milk which work for 30 seconds and only seem to encourage the heartburn to burn my throat with revenge. I asked my friend who recently had a child what she took...Tums. We don't have them in Australia.

One night was particularly bad. We were sitting on the couch watching Mike and Molly. Suddenly, the burning pain came out of no where. It hurt so bad I turned into pregnant satan! I demanded Simon get off the couch and go find a pharmacy that was still open and get ANYTHING! It was that or I was going to literally cut my body parts out. He came back with Mylanta. I honestly was glad to have it but holy cow that stuff tastes nasty!!

Today we saw the doctor and he gave me a prescription for Zantac. Unfortunately, the mother of all heartburn is rearing it's ugly head right now and neither Zantac or Mylanta are doing anything. With that said I rather have heartburn for my lovely little babies than for no reason at all like before.

One Year

Wow I can't believe it's been a whole year. Sometimes it feels like it should be longer and I have been writing for years not just one year. Other times it feels like time has gone really quickly. Starting this blog has been an amazing coping mechanism for me as I travel this crazy path I find myself on.

Without a doubt I am the luckiest girl. Today I am 13 weeks pregnant. I would love put up a picture of my massive tummy but it's currently stuck on the camera. So for the very first time I get to do a weekly post!

How Far Along: 13 weeks- Last week of the first trimester- 1/3 DONE!

Size of babies: HUGE-7.25 cm long- about the size of a large peach

Gender: We don't know yet. Everyone keeps hoping it's one of each.

Maternity Clothes: Yes but no. I am clearly too fat to be in my regular pants. My maternity clothes are on there way in the mail but aren't here yet. So I had to go out and buy a couple things in a bigger size. It was very depressing.

Weight gain: NONE! I can't believe it.

Movement: No official moments yet. However, I feel lots of "stretching" where Baby A likes to hang out.

Sleep: Getting comfortable enough to fall asleep is my main problem if I don't pass out from exhaustion first. I have been only getting up once a night to go to the bathroom lately which is an improvement. Oddly, I get up about 4 am and lay awake for hours before I finally fall back asleep.

Symptoms: Headaches!!! Still trying to survive the all the live long day sickness.

Cravings: American food! I would pay about $1,000 to have my mom's chicken noodles.

Best moment this week: Getting to this week! Being able to start telling my close friends and extended family. Seeing the ultrasound last Tuesday.