Just Keep Swimming!

Last night I came home to the most amazing sinus headache I've had in ages. I was in lots of pain and shivering. Simon was a rock star. He me let curl up in bed. He took care of dinner which I think I took seven bites of. Then I fell asleep and slept for 12 hours!

Today I took my sorry self into the doctor to confirm the sinus infection. It was nice to have a day off. I think I really needed it because I slept for another 4 hours or so this afternoon. The good news is that my police check came!!! I am free and clear. Imagine that! The weird news is Sim's didn't come. I am hoping that it comes tomorrow. Then I can make an appointment with the nurses to show me how to jab myself.

In the meantime I will just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. I haven't really lost my tiny mind yet but I am definitely functioning on autopilot. I am pretty excited that I am getting my hair done tomorrow, we have a trivia night and then everyone is coming over for a cards night on Saturday. The very best news is I am almost to the end of the laundry pile. Yes, small things make me happy.

Sunday's Reflections

So this will have pretty much next to nothing to do about infertility until the end. So if you are someone other than me and could careless about my reflections scroll to the end of the post.

Last night, I stayed up really late watching Easter Parade which Simon was asleep. It's a really old movie with Judy Garland. I used to watch it all the time when I was little. My grandma or grandpa and I would sit on the couch and sing along. Sometimes I would watch them by myself and dance along. It was very comforting to watch it last night but I did get a little teary at the end when they sing the easter bonnet song because my grandpa used to sing it to me all the time. I can still hear his voice.

Today is a beautiful spring day. Simon washed the outdoor patio furniture. I was able to put sweaters out on towels in the sun to lay flat and dry. I tried out my new mircofiber mop. It's insane how in love with it I am. It comes second only to my Dyson vacuum cleaner which I have an unhealthy obsession with. Anyways Simon suggested we go to the cafe to get lunch and I was more than okay with it.

As we were driving to the cafe, I started to remember the years before when we would drive up here (being the country) and look at all the model house. I would dream of the day when we would live up here in a beautiful new house of our own. Then eventually we would drive home and I would be sad. I would read people's blogs about building their houses and dream about my own. There was even a time when I thought we would never be able to have our own home let alone one of the model houses. Then one day when I had had enough we met with the bank manager. I impulsively put down $1,000 on lot 633 and it all started happening. Dream come true.

I guess/hope this will be the case with babies. We have been planning and dreaming about babies for a long time now. I feel like we are waiting for the universe to align like it did with the house. I am hoping that IUI is the equivalent of impulsively buying land. Honestly it feels just as scary. With the house I was wondering if we could afford it and was it the right thing to do. In fact I almost backed out of the deal. It's sorta how I feel about having a baby. I am scared if we can afford it and is it the right time, but the dream/want/desire to have a family of our own completely overshadows it. I know that when we finally do have a baby it will still be a little scary but we will adjust. Then when the baby is almost two I will have a random thought one day about dreaming of a baby and the pain I went through and it will all the sudden make sense. At least that is what I am hoping will happen.

In the mean time here is my baby waiting to attack any feet that happen to wander by. You might not have notice him hiding under the sweatshirt and stepstool.

BLAH!!!

I can so tell it's going to be one of those weekends. Babyistis is hitting hard. I have been home for like 2 hours and I already exhausted my normal websites that I check. The major difference is tonight I don't feel like I can shut the computer down and go do something else. I also don't have a good idea of what to google. So when there is nothing left to google and I have babyists all I do is visit websites that waste my time or make me sad.

Hi, my name is Val and I am addicted to Pinterest. It's actually a decent coping mechanism for a variety of issues not just infertility. AND it's educational...me being a teacher and all!!! It's important to learn something new everyday. Here is the lesson of the day...

Shark brains TOTALLY look like female reproductive organs!!!!!!!!

So in an infertility overshare, "shark week" continues!!!!!!! I need to change it to shark month! How have I not died yet???

So I overshared that small story to share my finest moment this week. Last night I was looking around the internet at different infertility blogs (symptoms of babyistis). I stumbled across one with post title of hematomawhore. Who wouldn't want to read that? To summarize this lovely lady is about 10 weeks pregnant with twins and she had bleeding (the scary kind). So she had an ultrasound and discovered a subchronic hematoma near her placentas causing the bleeding.

Can you see where this is heading? Shark month combined with the variety of imaginary symptoms combine with real 'it could be a million different normal illness' symptoms and I having to talk myself away from the bathroom. I seriously lost my tiny mind for about 2 hours and almost peed on a stick!!!! Sadly now that I'm reliving the story I am tempted!! This weekend is gonna suck!

How low can you go?

So I am not really low but I do feel like I am in limbo right now. I don't really feel completely sane but I am not losing my tiny mind completely either. It was a pretty good weekend as weekends go. I kept my internet obsession to an acceptable level and my house is on the clean side. I guess there really isn't much to do until all the police check stuff comes back.

This past Wednesday we attended a funeral for an extended family member. I got to witness a different type of infertility (I guess you would call it that). Simon has 4 cousins. 3 are married and 2 have children. At every family gathering James runs around and plays with his nephews. Well at the funeral he was holding is 2 month old niece and showing her off. You couldn't miss his desire to have children if had a t-shirt with it written on the front and back. His wife doesn't want children ever.

Now I am guessing those are the sorts of things you iron out before marriage (at least we did) and I don't know the agreement they came to, but my heart complete hurt for him. We might never have our own children because we can't. But James will never have his own children because his wife refuses to. I am not sure I could imagine the pain of that. At least in all of this Sim and I are in this together. We can turn to each other for support and comfort. We can feel each other's frustrations. James is all alone in wanting something his wife CLEARLY never desires to have.

So while I wait I am trying to hold tight to my serenity prayer....

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change"...the time it takes to complete the stupid f***ing police checks..."courage to change the things I can"...my attitude, the fitness of my body, to stop peeing on pregnancy tests..."and the wisdom to know the difference."

3 Strikes and I am out!

I have had 3 really fun days.

Without going into a long unimportant details we haven't filed our police checks yet. The main problem being printing issues. Printing issue number one: we don't own a working printer. Printing issue number two: when I emailed the form to Sim it loses my information.

Now you are up to date for where the story picks up on Thursday. Feeling a sudden determinedness to get shit taken care, I go to print out the form. I have just enough time to print it out and take it down to the post office to get certified and mailed. I was feeling better happy with myself.

I hit print. It tells me I didn't enter my birthday correctly. Ummm yeah I did! I am pretty sure I know my birthday. So I delete it and reenter. Print! The state I live in is missing. Scroll up. Type it in. It disappears. Type it in. It disappears. Type it in. I am not actually feeling very happy anymore. Deep breaths. Scroll down. Hit print. The state I live in is missing. SCROLL UP!! Select from the drop down menu box. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Starting to lose it. I do a quick clock check and I am almost out of time. The panic is starting in and now I get angry. I shut the top of the laptop. Deep breaths. Still determined to get this taken care of.

I open up the laptop again and debate just retyping the whole friggin' form. I play the missing state game for another 4-5 minutes no exaggeration. I am seriously at the point of throwing the laptop across the room. PRINT YOU MOTHER F***ING STUPID FORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The tears are starting to well up now. The form "prints". I check the clock I can still pull this off. I wish this was the end but it's not. The form takes AGES to print one painful page at a time. By the time the print actually manages to spew page 2, I am in tears. I have actually missed my opportunity to get my forms signed and mailed. I lose my tiny mind completely and walk to the car a hot mess.

Friday...MUST GET MISSON ACCOMPLISHED. I have a few moments before I have to go to work and I miss my momma! I decided to call and the chat is good until....SHE TELLS ME TO RELAX! I am sure y' all know how I feel about that.

I take my now printed forms and photocopied id's to the post office during my lunch break. Here is a small side note. Unlike other jobs I HAVE TO be back on time. I will have children standing around unsupervised if I don't. I am sooo worried about the old lady line that could/will most likely be waiting for me a that the post office. I lucked out because it's only 2 old ladies deep. I make it to the counter and they can't sign my forms. I have to go to the police station. I now have 20 minutes to get food and eat. I got back into the car and cried. Simon swore that we could get this taken care of at the post office. I spent the rest of the night in a bad, sad place. Simon made us go to the mall and I pretty much just wanted to high five every pregnant woman in the face with a chair.

Saturday we went to the police station and got the forms signed so they are ready to mail tomorrow morning. But I spent most of the day in a funk. In fact I didn't even want to see Rock of Ages again or go out to eat or see family and friends. I was pretty weepy and sad thinking about a baby all day. I did manage to avoid the internet and things that would upset me more.

So a new week is about to start and I don't think the roller coaster is over yet. We are getting to a busy time in our social calendar when suddenly all our weekends disappear. Here hoping I can hold it together for 3 days.