10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5......

Welcome back. It has been a while. Mainly because I have been beyond exhausted. All the organization and preparations actually paid off so life has been somewhat mundane. But we all know that it never lasts too long so I am enjoying the moment while it does.

First, I'm pretty sure my body is NOT behaving as normal. I just hope this doesn't continue for another 8 weeks. I am pretty sure I will shoot myself if it does.

Second, I am starting to get the familiar feeling that I am crappy teacher and need to do more. What more I am not exactly sure. Okay that is lie I know what I want/need to do but that requires super human abilities, longer than 24 hours in a day and more money than I am currently in possession of. For now I am trying to keep it all in perspective. We have concert practice starting on Monday and a trivia night to plan in under 4 weeks.

Third, I am working on planning Anna's baby shower. More on this in a moment.

Four, we had Sim's aunt and uncle over for dinner last night. I was a fabulous night. His aunt is an amazingly clean and organized woman so I was starting to panic about my house. Not to mention cooking dinner and trying to pull off the Martha Stewart event. I did what I could and it was great! But today I'm starting to feel like we need to be doing more to the house. I want to paint, organize or purge, get new furniture and just finish off the house in general. Once again I am currently not in possession super human abilities, more than 24 hours in a day or unlimited spending capabilities. Therefore, I am taking some slow deep breaths and telling myself when spring comes.

So back to planning Anna's shower.... It MUST be perfect. There is no other option or choice. My major problem being she decided not to find out what she had. Now a days most people find out and have showers planned around a boy or girl even if it's just color schemes. So I am trying to pick a neutral theme or color scheme. I am getting close to making a decision...I think. However, I am trying to get some essential things done now even though I don't have a plan. For example, I know I want a diaper cake so I am getting the diapers rolled and ready for assembly. I am trying to keep calm and plan on!

The other horrible side effect of planning a shower is that the fact I am infertile. It's not really getting to me 100% because I love doing this for my friends. The feeling I get for doing something special for others far outweighs my infertility pain. The main problem is I spent lots of time on the internet and dreaming about getting pregnant and having my own baby. This does cause me some pain at times.

So as you can read all the balls are up in the air and the conditions are just prime for losing my tiny mind. I am sure it will only be a matter of time before fun starts.

Can it be?

I am not sure what to think. Today I actually got my period. Well I am not sure if it's my period but I am bleeding. I guess I will know what to make of it in about 7 days. Can it be that my body might behave as normal?

Sorry for the over share but I will forget the day and this way I can't forget.

Won't you take me to Crazy Town?

Oh, Crazy Town! My favorite spot to spend long weekends and vacations at! Today marks the end of my school break which means I must pack my bags and leave Crazy Town tonight. No staying up late and watching movies. No more putting things off. Today is my deadline. Tomorrow I have to be bright eyed, perfectly coiffed and energetic to teach 21 little "darlings".

I have tried to plan as much as possible but there is always more to do. My house is moderately clean...clean enough to live with it for and do little bits at a time. I actually have clean/ironed clothes that I can wear to work this week. I will shave my legs tomorrow morning while I clean the shower. That only leaves going to the supermarket to get food for dinners and lunches. Oh, and high pressure washing the garage.

In preparation to leave Crazy Town my lovely husband made me breakfast in bed. It was a very lovely thought but I would have preferred not to be woken up. As I was returning my plate to the kitchen I caught a glimpse of headlines for the Crazy Town Times. IVF Lottery WIN A BABY! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Next page is a story about a lady who put her children up for sale on Ebay!

We keep our dryer in the garage. Unlike American condenser dryers which don't create warm, moist air and are vented out of the house...my Australian does. So it just seemed like a better idea to put it in the garage. That means we leave the garage door up when the dryer is on. Last night Lucky was going nuts! We was hell bent on getting into the garage and jumping up on the door. He was puffed up and hissing and just won't let it be. So I told Simon to put the garage door up to make sure we hadn't trapped a cat in the garage. Sure enough one of Lucky's ex-best friends was hanging out in the garage and peed on things. AWESOME. My garage smells like cat piss. My cat is going crazy still, and I am worried he is going to pee somewhere in our house. So it's time to pressure wash the garage floor. FUN TIMES I tell you or just a regular day in Crazy Town.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/win-a-baby-lotto-sparks-disgust/story-fn7x8me2-1226096009441

Here is the link to the Crazy Town Times if you want to read the story.

A little late night perspective

Have you ever been faced with knowing what you want to say and just can't find the right words? Well, this would be one of those moments. I think I have tried to type this post about 4 times now. Let's just preface this with I might actually be getting a period. A real life my body did it all by itself period!!! Oh and the mood swings came too.

Tonight I was invited to a lingerie party. I was happy to go and get the gossip that I soo avoid whenever possible. That is until I realize the party was on a Thursday night... not the Friday night I was originally told about by a certain person who shall remain nameless but needs to get some FRIGGIN' calendar reading skills. I haven't been feeling up to public appearances today. Nothing says staying at home like not showering in 36 hours. Let's face it with the possibility of a period on the horizon I feel FAT and just yuck! So I took the time and effort to get moderately dolled up. After all no one else should have to suffer sitting next to me.

On the way to my friend's house I suddenly needed gum and a large amount of cash because I heard that this shit is crazy expensive! So I pulled in to the nearest 7 Eleven and proceeded to withdraw $100 from our account. I was in physical pain. We have so many bills to pay off and new bills will be coming in and our savings account is turning into a joke! No really even the very nice lady at the bank mentioned to us about withdrawing the money from the savings account and just putting it all into checkings. But that whole must keep up the appearances part of me kicked in.

I was not happy with the gum selection. I didn't want Extra. I didn't want mint flavors. I couldn't for the life of me interpret wtf the 5 gum flavors were. Obviously I don't chew gum a whole heck of a lot anymore. So I bought a pack of extra spearmint. I got back into the car and attempted to get the gum out of the packet. That is when it happened. I lost my tiny mind over a packet of gum. I couldn't find the pull tab. I was even reduced to prying the package open with my teeth which didn't work! Moments from chucking the whole f-ing pack out the window I finally managed to get a small part of the plastic ripped off and then used my car keys for the rest. Gum made me cry. Gum made me scream. It wasn't even satisfying when I finally got a piece because I really didn't want Extra or a mint flavor.

I sat through the speech by the very nice lady. I even had a few things in mind. Everyone was talking about what they were going to buy. They kept asking me if I had Simon's credit card. Which I find disturbing on about 4 different levels but I shall not go into that now. Then I saw the price list. One bra which looks crappier than the one I was currently wearing cost $92! Yes you read that right. All I could think was shut the front door!!! You want me to pay how much???!!! They had these amazingly soft lounge pants with roll top (possibly nice if I can ever manage to stop being infertile) so I thought maybe those... $129.50!! I am pretty sure I sat shell shocked for a good 23 minutes. Here were at least 5 other women with catalogues in hand picking out numerous items or pointing the 6 different items they already owned. $92 just to get the damn bra in RED!!! Hell just bring it over to our house and let Simon do the laundry. It will be red when he is finished.

In the end I was the only person who didn't order anything. I felt bad for about 7 minutes until I realized what I wanted was much better than a bra. I took my mere $100 home with me comforted by the fact that I can put it back tomorrow. Well actually I am sure it will be pay for my counseling appointment tomorrow. I realized some things tonight even if I only hold on to those things for a short time.

1. Decline future invitations to lingerie parties!
2. If it's not what you really want don't get it.
3. I want something far greater and important than keeping up appearances. No amount of pretending is not going to change my situation. I won't wake up tomorrow and be pregnant or fertile or possibly even happy, but I would have felt a lot worse if I had spent that money on something I really didn't want (see #2)(maybe I really did want those pants!)

Life feels really crumbing right now. I am sure anyone that was actually reading this has stopped. Right now this is how I cope. Maybe that counseling session tomorrow won't be such a bad thing. Now I am going to go cope by getting in my $25 target jammies, pull the covers up over my head and cry a little.

I need more glue to hold it all together!

I wasn't going to post anything today because I have felt really flat today (as my hubs likes to say). But I got out of the shower to find a certain Mr. Kitty reading my blog. NO JOKE!

The battles of infertility are really starting to bother me. I know I am not alone but when you are surrounded by friends and family with children you feel very alone. I am also starting to feel like I am the annoying infertile friend. To top it all off I am running out of coping strategies. Before I was accepting every invitation to go out and do things. Be social! seemed like the answer until you realize that you no longer have time to dive under the covers and cuddle the kitty.

On the other hand is...what is starting to feel like...my unattainable expectations and infinite to do list. I blame you internet! Yes, you internet!!!! I have my monster list of things to achieve and the motivation to do it but something suddenly pulls me to the internet. I do a quick check of the blogs I like reading and pinterest. I hate you pinterest!!!! You advantage of my natural curiosity and steal my time!!!!! (Yes I realize this is my fault)

Even when I do manage to overcome the pull of the internet I never seem able to achieve the standard I have in my head. Everyone else seems to have everything sooo together. Phenomenally decorated and spotless houses, adorable pets or children in matching outfits, iphones, flat screen t.v., newer cars, well paying jobs, amazing vacations, they have time to volunteer at church or the PTA, husbands that worship them...the list goes on and on. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I can't help it. I have some twisted thought process that says "if these women can have it all together why can't I ?".

Enough ranting and insanity...it's time for pilates!

It's my infertility and I will cry if I want to!!

Today I have been on a roller coaster of emotions today. Anxious to sad to livid to numb and everything in between. We met with Dr. Weston today to discuss the next step which is IUI. The best news is we get to keep him as our doctor but since we are in the university program we now have to work out of the other office which is about an hour or so away. Generally going to see Dr. Weston makes me feel better. Today, I just wanted to cry. I don't know why because I knew exactly what we were going to be talking about. Today I just felt defeated.

We got the "welcome" book and paperwork to fill out. Now I have about 17 more things to add to my list of things to do and one was an unwelcome surprise.

1. Police background checks for each of use at $32 a piece. It will take about 4 weeks for this to happen and no treatment can be started without it. Yeah for more waiting.

2. Counseling appointment- WTF!!! I don't need this. I know I'm about one sandwich short of a picnic most of the time. Is this lady going to tell me I am too mental now to have a baby?!- Insert rage and indignation here. On the bright side we managed to get an appointment for next week. This will cost us another $100.

3. Make appointment with Dr. Weston's nurses about injectables and all. This will cost us $700- completely dirt cheap by infertility standards.

4. Deal with the massive phobia my husband and I both share for needles.

5. Deal with the possibility that we might not get one round in before my trip to the states in September.

So yes that is where I am at. I'm really starting to feel judged and the big finger is pointing down on me with neon signs flashing INFERTILE! INFERTILE! Not to mention I think I saw every pregnant or newborn within a 15 mile radius at the mall today.

Once you pop, the fun doesn't stop!

In the lovely state of Victoria, Australia there are laws about "assisted reproduction". I was very unaware that women/couples where going through multiple sessions of IUI or IVF to have a child/ren to sexually abuse or neglect to the point a law needed to be made. I will never be able to look at the patients in the waiting room the same again. Perhaps they are all selling their infertility needles and medications on the streets to off set the $1000s of dollars spent on treatments.

Yes, get to the point... Simon and I both require police background checks to continue this "blessed f-ing journey" (yes, I really want to punch the next person that sprinkles baby dust in the face!). This just literally blows my ship out of the water. WTF VICTORIA?! As if this isn't hard enough?! Never mind the fact that I have students in my class who are actually being sexually abused by parents who are living off my tax paying dollars and THEY WANT MORE!! DHS is trying to get the kids (7 of them) removed and I have to get a background check for 1. Oh, and they want more. Will we do it? Of course, we want a baby of our own. It just defies logic and basic human decency.

Now if you have read even one other post you know that this is all leading somewhere. That somewhere would me my attempted shoplifting last night. Let me start by saying it was completely UNINTENTIONAL and I DIDN'T ACTUALLY STEAL. Last night, Simon won tickets to Rock of Ages. We were going to have dinner ahead of time but that didn't work out (another long boring story). I was still hungry so we stopped at 7 Eleven to buy a mini can of Pringles. My plan was to put them in the pocket of my coat before I went into the theatre. And because my tiny mind is permanently on a holiday in the Maldives I put the Pringles in my pocket BEFORE I paid. It took me half a second to realize what I had done. I immediately went to the cashier and paid. No one saw or said anything but that didn't stop me from being embarrassed.

Can you believe I almost lost my chance at having a baby because of a can of Pringles? And as a complete side note I think I might have overstimulated ovaries.

I am sooo trying to hold it together

The title says it all. I am on school holidays and desperately trying to relax. Yeahhhh but I can't.

My back has been hurting and I have been having vertigo issues. Dr. Barton says I need to relax!

Mr. Kitty feels that he would like to go back to be nocturnal and is driving me insane. Simon hears him messing around and then proceeds to wake me up and ask if I think there is something wrong with him. So then who the hell can go back to sleep because I am wondering and listening to see if something is actually wrong with him.

My house is one pair of dirty underware from being declared unfit for humans or animals. So yesterday I tried to get the kitchen/living/dinning area clean. It was fabulous until my dumb husband came home. How friggin hard is it to locate the trash can?! JUST PUT THE FUCKING POPSICLE STICK IN THE TRASH??!!!! Yes, a popsicle stick was my undoing at 6:45 am! Further proof I might need anger management is what I did with the stick. Instead of just putting in the garbage I marched myself down to our bathroom and flung it at him in the shower. Needless to say I spent about 40 minutes this morning cleaning up the area again!! Some part in my head is saying what do you think children will do? To that tiny part I say...Simon is an adult!!!

I am obsessing over work. Making sure I have everything plan, cleaned, and organized to make it appear that I have it all together. I would love to be one of those teachers that is cute, creative, organized, stress free, waltz in a 8:30 and out at 4:00. Pretty much the opposite of everything that just happened last term. But now I am freaking out that I don't have the books or supplies etc. In fact I am going in to work tomorrow so I can begin the great clean up and reorganization of my classroom.

So if I am going to relax that means hanging out and looking things up on the internet. What do all good insane infertiles do on the internet? OBSESS and read blogs about other peoples infertility battles and then compare to yourself. Which on the surface may seem like a relaxing idea. Well until you start to panic about never having your own children because 7 other people go pregnant on Clomid and I all managed to do with it is sell it on the street corner.

Then there is internet shopping! Enough said.

Now to be completely serious. Yesterday, I celebrated my school break and the 4th of July by getting a facial. All the infertility treatments have taken a serious toll on my skin. It hasn't been this red and broken out in years. Then there is the hair from the PCOS. It all adds up to making me feel like Shrek. I seriously feel like the most unattractive woman on the planet.

Spending the money on a facial is very hard for me. I certainly feel like I should be saving it or putting it towards something more important. However, it was money well spent times 1,000 yesterday. The first thing they always ask is how is your skin. I told them mine was out of control because of the infertility treatments. She gave me the most AMAZING facial. My face didn't even feel like mine and the redness was almost gone!

Then she gave me the most INCREDIBLE gift. Apparently her daughter is going through IVF treatments and they just found out the last cycle didn't work a couple of days ago. She sent someone in to give me an arm, neck and scalp massage. There are no words for the gratitude I feel and how I felt leaving there. Honestly, it gave me the peace and hope to continue this "journey". I felt completely ready to tackle IUI.

My message to every person out there going through this is to be kind to yourself. You are completely worth it. The ultimate goal might be babies but don't leave yourself behind in the process.

Slowly regaining my tiny mind

I am sure this will be the longest most "boringest" post in history.

So I would love to say that after last Wednesday I recovered and everything went back to normal, but if you know me than you know that was not the case. In fact, I think I spent the last week and 2 days trying to cope without my tiny mind. Today feels like the end of a very long race.

Last Wednesday night was the Art Show. It went off without a hitch and the parents loved it. I on the other hand was seriously stressing out at 7:30 pm about everything that needed to happen the next day. I was in a hurry to get home and actually left my purse at school in someone else's classroom. I was also having a lot of ovarian pain and was completely exhausted. So instead of doing all the things I needed to do...I went to sleep with the stupid belief that I would be able pull it together tomorrow. During this time, Simon was sick and very worried about not being able to go to the Gold Coast. I could have cared less I just wanted him to start the f-ing dishwasher which he seemed completely in capable of.

Thursday morning began a long, long day. I went to get my purse out of the classroom only to be cornered by that teacher about how miserable the 5/6 team is because everyone hates each other. I am avoiding that like the plague!!! I was also in a hurry because with all the craziness I hadn't photocopied or gotten activities together etc. Here would be the best time to explain that my students have been driving me CRAZY!!! The nagging, the fighting, the laziness. It has been incredibly insane. On Thursday they actually made me cry. I had to stop about 3 different lessons because no less than 7 kids were just doing their own thing or having their own conversations. My throat hurt at the end of the day. Simon left for the Gold Coast leaving me to clean and get ready for my weekend away. Let's just say I really, really wanted to divorce Simon by the time I crashed into bed.

Friday was painful to get through but I had a pretty fun weekend away with ladies. I would have been a billion times better if Simon was home to watch the house and the cat. I am pretty sure I would have relaxed more.

Most of my days have pretty much been spent most of the same way... crazy students or parents, friends who lose their tiny minds and melt down, an uphelpful husband, pilates, a bridal shower hosted by me, science day, finalize reports, dinner with the in-laws, staff dinner. Even my friend Sharon told me I needed to relax! So when school was over today I came home and crashed hard. I wish I could have slept longer and will most likely go to bed early tonight but a little kitty wanted some attention.

So on the fertility front...

Our appointment is a week away. I am very nervous about what comes next, but I think I am ready. My I want a baby moment this week was last night. We had a staff dinner. It was easier to go over to Sharon's house than it would have been to go home. I was in the bathroom actually putting make-up for the first time when Sharon's little girl came in. She "helped" me put my makeup on. Then she used the brushes on her face. It was adorable. She even put on chapstick "lipstick". It was at that moment that I realized this is why I want a child. I want those simple moments.