My back has been hurting and I have been having vertigo issues. Dr. Barton says I need to relax!
Mr. Kitty feels that he would like to go back to be nocturnal and is driving me insane. Simon hears him messing around and then proceeds to wake me up and ask if I think there is something wrong with him. So then who the hell can go back to sleep because I am wondering and listening to see if something is actually wrong with him.
My house is one pair of dirty underware from being declared unfit for humans or animals. So yesterday I tried to get the kitchen/living/dinning area clean. It was fabulous until my dumb husband came home. How friggin hard is it to locate the trash can?! JUST PUT THE FUCKING POPSICLE STICK IN THE TRASH??!!!! Yes, a popsicle stick was my undoing at 6:45 am! Further proof I might need anger management is what I did with the stick. Instead of just putting in the garbage I marched myself down to our bathroom and flung it at him in the shower. Needless to say I spent about 40 minutes this morning cleaning up the area again!! Some part in my head is saying what do you think children will do? To that tiny part I say...Simon is an adult!!!
I am obsessing over work. Making sure I have everything plan, cleaned, and organized to make it appear that I have it all together. I would love to be one of those teachers that is cute, creative, organized, stress free, waltz in a 8:30 and out at 4:00. Pretty much the opposite of everything that just happened last term. But now I am freaking out that I don't have the books or supplies etc. In fact I am going in to work tomorrow so I can begin the great clean up and reorganization of my classroom.
So if I am going to relax that means hanging out and looking things up on the internet. What do all good insane infertiles do on the internet? OBSESS and read blogs about other peoples infertility battles and then compare to yourself. Which on the surface may seem like a relaxing idea. Well until you start to panic about never having your own children because 7 other people go pregnant on Clomid and I all managed to do with it is sell it on the street corner.
Then there is internet shopping! Enough said.
Now to be completely serious. Yesterday, I celebrated my school break and the 4th of July by getting a facial. All the infertility treatments have taken a serious toll on my skin. It hasn't been this red and broken out in years. Then there is the hair from the PCOS. It all adds up to making me feel like Shrek. I seriously feel like the most unattractive woman on the planet.
Spending the money on a facial is very hard for me. I certainly feel like I should be saving it or putting it towards something more important. However, it was money well spent times 1,000 yesterday. The first thing they always ask is how is your skin. I told them mine was out of control because of the infertility treatments. She gave me the most AMAZING facial. My face didn't even feel like mine and the redness was almost gone!
Then she gave me the most INCREDIBLE gift. Apparently her daughter is going through IVF treatments and they just found out the last cycle didn't work a couple of days ago. She sent someone in to give me an arm, neck and scalp massage. There are no words for the gratitude I feel and how I felt leaving there. Honestly, it gave me the peace and hope to continue this "journey". I felt completely ready to tackle IUI.
My message to every person out there going through this is to be kind to yourself. You are completely worth it. The ultimate goal might be babies but don't leave yourself behind in the process.
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