Hope Is A Bitch I know

First, can I just say how much I hate that I don't have internet at home. We didn't get a phone book this year and I thought it was good because I would just have to recycle it or build a giant tower or something. Now it's HORRIBLE. Because when you don't have a phone book or the Internet you can't look up phone numbers.

Second I apologize for the awesome quality of the posts lately. Not my best work I know.

Now on to my frienemy Hope. Hope is beautiful and thin and everything that is right it world. She hops out of bed in the morning with nary a hair out of place or pillow wrinkles on her cheek. She never has to wear her fat jeans and everyone loves her.

What you may not know is Hope is a bitch! She makes you believe that your breasts feel like they are being ripped off because you are pregnant. She convinces you that you are utterly exhausted because you are jump starting human life in your uterus of doom. "The cramping and light spotting are implantation she," says. She has you thinking about the little baby that might be around for next Christmas and what you might name them. She gets you thinking about cute outfits and cuddles. But when Hope is wrong she is NO WHERE to be found. She never takes the blame. All along you try to not get attached. You try and hang out with your friend Realistic. Somehow she slowly creeps in.

So that is where I am at. I am seesawing between hope and certainty that this worked. Then I go crashing down wondering if the pilates I did last night hurt my chances because I am just a little bit crazy. I am so afraid of what will happen if this didn't work. I know what will happen but I am just not prepared for it. And stupid Hope has convinced I don't have anything to worry about.

Counting out my Crazytown bus money!

Well, my life has taken a turn for the crazy! And not the fun crazy I might add.

I currently don't have internet at home which is making for crazy times. Particularly when you want to blog but you can't. So please excuse my absence but I will make an effort to blog before I leave work.

I have currently stop bleeding and spotting. HALLELUJAH!!! But I am still having some cramping pain. Then there is the matter of the boobies. They still hurt like holy hell and I have started sleeping with a bra on at night. As a horrible side effect I now have the plague. I am sure this could be called other things in other places but at my house it's the horrible rash you get under your breast. Two of my bras seem to cause this but because I have 7 of the same colour I have a hard remembering which ones I can't sleep in are. Very gross I know. Sorry!

I am reading a gizillion job applications. Enough said!

And just sprinkle generously with baby obsessing, the desire to pee on home pregnancy tests, etc. Ya know all the normal stuff!

100!!

Today is my 100th post! Woot! Woot! Today is also Thanksgiving. And I feel like I have a lot to be thankful this year. Mostly that I had an opportunity to have a baby. I was able to travel home to the United States to see my family. I have a job that I adore (most days) and a beautiful house. My worries are pretty small compared to most.

Just a quick infertility update...

I seem to be traveling well. I am waking up at about 3:30 each morning feeling like I have been kicked in the ovaries or that they have declared war on me. I am still spotting???!!!! Today it seems to be lightening up. Can I find a way to twist this into implantation bleeding? Probably not. And can I just say OH MY WORD. My boobs HURT! The cat tried to snuggle on top of me this morning and the searing pain was second to none! Tomorrow I go to get a blood test. Not sure what for but I am all for finding out sooner rather than later.

Gobble 'til ya' Wobble!

And the surprise just keep coming.

Mission Accomplished! This morning we went in for our IUI. It didn't go as planned because it got pushed back this morning. It was not a big deal. We went to a local shopping centre (MY FAVORITE ONE!) while we waited. Sim got his much needed hair cut. We picked up a Christmas present and I got to roam around in Tiffany&Co.!!! I was feeling very excited about whole procedure and trying to keep a positive attitude.

When we got back Simon picked up the boys and we headed in. I got undressed and hopped up on the bed. Then we waited and waited and WAITED! Which left lots of time for talking. On a complete side note...why do people whisper in the doctor's office? It was literally him and me in a closed room with no one else around.

What did we talk about? Porn. I asked him if told his boys that today wasn't a drill and they were going live. He said he gave them a pep talk before he started. In a strange moment of being in a room with no pants on and a paper sheet wrapped around me I just had to ask "Did you need the porn to get the job done?". He said he didn't really get a choice. When he walked in the tv just started and it was like BAM! very in your face. However, he thought she was ugly. Thank goodness the doctor came in after because who knows where the conversation would have gone.

I won't walk you through the steps of the IUI (unless you are dying to know than leave me a comment) but they liken it to a pap smear. I wouldn't go with that analogy. Let's just say it hurt, momentarily, but still hurt. And SURPRISE!!! I have a tilted uterus. Now with all the people that have been up in my lady business why no one ever told us is beyond me. I have lots of other appointments and report writing to keep me company during the dreaded two week wait. I am very much on a roller coaster today of YEA! baby and this sucks it's not going to work no baby for you.

For right now the boys just need to keep swimming!

We are off to see the uterus...

We are off to see the uterus, the most wonderful uterus in OZ. Because, because, because, because, because....WE TRIGGER TONIGHT!

Yes, that is correct. There will be a party in my uterus on Monday. At first I was completely excited. I couldn't believe it. Finally my body is behaving (sorta, still spotting). And even if this fails (because yes, I am expecting it to) I am just thrilled that we had the chance to fail. I let myself get excited last night for 15 minutes. We even calculated the due date if this succeeds (early August).

So 12 hours later I'm quietly excited but not super confident. I am not even worrying about the 2 week wait at this moment, because I don't think I will even have to wait a week before the bleeding starts. I am super worried about what happens after I stop injections. What if these injections are what is saving this cycle? I guess only time will tell. And for right now I am going to let my ovaries do the happy dance that we are getting the chance to actually be pregnant.

Well, I didn't see that coming!

I had every intention of posting on Monday night but the day threw up a few curve balls and I wasn't ready to do anything other than eat cookies and cry.

So I went in on Monday completely ready to hear we were canceling the cycle. The bleeding had slowed down a little bit but was definitely still more than spotting. I was also determined to ask a few of the lingering questions I had from the weekend because I wasn't leaving without some answers darn it!!

The hardest part was I got there about 20 minutes early. I apparently don't do well in infertility waiting rooms. Number one I have to down about a bottle and half of water to get my veins to open up and actually have blood to retrieve. Even though I make sure I go to the bathroom before my appointment so I don't wet my pants, I still always feel like I have to pee the minute they insert the fairy princess wand!

Number two I have been seeing lots of skinny, cute infertile women waiting with their equally adorable supportive partner. And because I have issues, all I can think about is these people are SO getting pregnant in one cycle and probably only needed 25 IUs of Puregon. She will probably have cute adorable twins, only gain 10 pounds, wear expensive maternity clothes, never have a single stretch mark, and only be in labour for 3 hours. Yes, I clearly have major issues. But to add a shard of actual proof to my theory one of the girls was there for a beta test.

So if you survived all that and still reading then you are ready for the HUGE surprise. We didn't cancel the cycle! My ovaries of doom came to the party!!! Righty= two 11mm follicles. Apparently once they reach that stage they are said to be dominate follicles. So they took my hormone levels to measure for estrogen. My levels are still on the lower side but they are climbing.

We ended up increasing the Puregon to 125 IUs to try and stop the bleeding. Which hasn't really worked. They are very much scratching their heads trying to figure this out but I have to honestly say they are being amazingly supportive! Leith said she would gladly take my sleepless nights and stay up all night long for me so I could get some sleep. I go back early tomorrow morning to see what craziness is taking place in ovaries of doom. All I can pray for is the bleeding to stop and my eggs to keep growing. In the meantime I am going to continue to eat my cookies and attempt to do something other than sleeping or writing report cards.

If Found Please Call 555-7024

Last night was definitely not the highlight of my week. I contemplated deleting what I wrote yesterday but I am not. That was an honest, real moment of pain.

I would love to say today was better but the best I can say was I improved some. My tiny mind is still out there somewhere and if it doesn't come back by tomorrow than I may have to start posting Lost signs around the neighborhood.

We went over to my in-laws new house to help the landscape the backyard. I am not suppose to do much because I have lower back issues sometimes. Lifting and general hard labor is out for me (I have a note from my doctor to prove it!). That makes me site supervisor and I get to sit on the comfy patio chair observing. I did help some until I noticed that the more I assisted the worse my bleeding got.

Yep, that right folks. I have gone from spotting post scan to actually requiring a tampon. So I am pretty sure this cycle will be cancelled. Then we can put it in the major fail category. Not to mention in the back of my info book it says they cancel after 21 days and no major follicle development. My use by date is tomorrow unless my ovaries came to the party fashionably late.

When I realized this I cried. In front of Simon no less. Like BIG ugly crying. I don't think he knew what to do because got me ice cream. Then we drove past a school. I cried. We drove past it again on the way home and I noticed their sign was welcoming the new kindergarten kids to orientation for next year. I cried. Basically everything leads to crying or me wanting to kick someone in the ovaries.

Losing My Tiny Mind

I probably shouldn't be typing this right now but I seriously don't care!

I successfully drove to my appointment solo today. Yeaaaa me! Only to have a major traffic accident happen in front of the office. Then I had my scan. NOTHING! NADA! I can't be bothered counting the number of days right now but how the bloody hell can I not have anything growing but a trillion tiny eggs? And I knew I would be bleeding after she pulled the wand out because it was red. Then my next question is why didn't she say something? I totally had to ask!!! Then I really didn't get a satisfactory response. I didn't get much of a response at all. All I was told was that my levels are low. Complete random side note...apparently ever other single infertile gets to find out what the hell their levels are. I DON'T?? I am not sure what they are even testing for. I should probably ask but whatever... So it is time to take more blood. My freaking veins collapsed. It took three different people and they barely got enough. I found out this afternoon that I don't have to increase my dose. But nothing else.

So I am celebrating by drinking a bottle of champagne on my own. Well that is a bit of a lie. My in-laws got the keys to their new house and I took a bottle around to share with them. But I am finishing it off because they don't have a fridge to put it in yet.

I feel like a complete failure. I can't even do what other infertiles can do. I CAN'T GROW A FUCKING EGG! My damn cat is probably the closest I am ever going to get to my own damn child. It's killing me. I get up at 5 in the morning to be told I am a failure. I spend all day long with other people's fucking children. I have spent all week with people asking me if I have seen Anna's baby and how she is doing. I am tired of the vertigo and the injections. I am doing all the right things!!! I am eating healthier, not drinking caffeine and taking the stupid prenatal vitamins. WHY?! What is the fucking point?

Simon should have married someone else. He would have had children by now. She could have been Australian and then there wouldn't have been cultural clash issues. He wouldn't have to spend money sending her back to America. And maybe he would have found her attractive. Because I am pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I am bloated and just plain fucking fat to start with. I have to shave the fucking hair off my chin. I don't even want me.

One hour and 10 minutes of sanity?

Just a very quick update before I go to bed. At 7:50 pm my head finally cleared and the vertigo vanished. At 8:00 pm I dialed up my next dose of Puregon. And at 9:00pm I said hello to my good friend vertigo.

I will be totally honest that I am deathly afraid that nothing is going on in the ovaries of doom and I have to drive there myself. I am taking a small amount of comfort in that the kitty has been quiet this evening and one of my favorite episode of Friends is on ( I love the Thanksgiving ones). I did spend a little bit of time indulging in some of my favorite infertility blogs to just reassure myself that yes, everyone has been in my position and I am not alone.

Oh and one of my coworkers today told me she had a dream that I had TRIPLETS! HA HA HA!!! That is not a dream that is a nightmare. That is a step of scary above my ovaries doing nothing and just below never getting pregnant.

State of the Union Update

Things seem to be looking up a little today. I don't feel like constantly crying or kicking

puppies.

I have been talking to the follicles and trying to encourage them to grow but so far the only thing I feel is vertigo. I get to be the lucky 1% that gets to experience vertigo as a lovely side effect of the Puregon.

I'm just trying to take it easy tonight (not really getting a choice with the vertigo) and I am hoping to get a decent amount of sleep tonight. I am almost tempted to go sleep in the guest bed to guarantee it. I am starting to feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. It's pretty sad when 6:30 becomes sleeping in.

I also have one very rambunctious kitty at home. Biting apparently is the name of the game tonight. I am hoping now that he has gone a few rounds with the kangaroo he will settle down. I am certainly ready to settle down and listen to the rain pounding my roof and windows. Is there anything more relaxing?

Large Crater

When I started all this I promised myself that I would not write post after post where I complained or was negative. I told myself in the states that I wasn't going to focus on this and enjoy my life. I LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hurting right now. On Monday, Simon really hurt me. He has been going with me to my appointments because I don't feel confident enough to drive myself there given that its 1.5 hours away. On the way there he said to me that he was just going to sit in the car because it's not like anything would have happened anyway. OUCH!

Of course as luck would have it I actually went backwards. How can I go backwards??!! On Thursday, Leith said I had a couple that looked like they were maturing. On Monday, Susan only found "a gazillion" tiny ones on each side. What happened to my maturing eggs??!!!

Now my number is 100 IU. I'm double what I started at. Between hearing that, what Simon said, and seeing the waiting room full of skinny infertiles I have been really upset. Going to work everyday feels like 21 little slaps in the face. I am so jealous of Anna right now. Even the one of the girls in my pilates class rocked up with her cute 4 month pregnancy belly (I didn't know she was pregnant and she hasn't been there so it was a surprise).

I am scared. Really scared. I always thought even if Clomid fails (and boy did it!) that I could move onto IUI. IUI and Puregon were the big guns. How could I fail? How could my wonky body not step up and start behaving more normally? And now that even IUI seems no match for the ovaries of doom, I am crushed. Yes, I realize I am being a bit premature in the fail department but it's my infertility and I can cry if I want to!

I want the cute belly. I want to say that I carried my baby. I want to feel him or her from the inside. I want to be able to do what everyone else seems to be able to do effortlessly. I am so scared that I will never get that chance. And that leads to thinking about what I did wrong. Whether you believe in karma, destiny, God etc. I constantly over analyze what I could have done differently. Yes, there are probably half a million people out there right now that would kill to have my problems. People with 3 year old children who have brain cancer or children in the NICU. People without jobs or in abusive relationships etc.. I am very aware that my life is the garden of eden compared to lots. And that makes me feel even worse.

The truly pathetic part of all this is I am crying because I can't remember everything I wanted to say in this post. I'm crying because it doesn't sound a smooth and eloquent as I wanted it to sound. I am mentally and physically wore out that the moment. I am really struggling and at a lose of what to do now.

A Small Bump

So my momma (and everyone else's!) always said you have to have bad days to enjoy the good. Well, today would be a bad day. I don't why. It pretty much just hit out of the blue.

We started out this morning at Simon's parents' new house. They get the keys next week and there needs to be a big push to get the backyard done so they can be out of their rental by the end of the month. They were having breakfast while we cleaned up the block.

Then we walked around to their park while we were waiting for them. They have a really fantastic park. My favorite part other than the swings it the hammock! Simon started rocking me and I thought I was gonna spew!!

While we were there a family was sitting up for their daughter's birthday party under the pavilion. That moment was the only moment of wishing and wanting. I just kept thinking of how I couldn't really wait until we could bring our baby to this park to play. I kept having visions of pushing the baby in the swing.

Life was pretty bland and boring afterwards so I have zero idea why I have been really upset about not having a baby. I am just going to put it down as having an off day. I am going to try and relax (as much as possible). I have my next monitoring appointment tomorrow and boy do I have a few questions for Leith. And because 5:30 comes wayyyy to fast and I am part loser now, I am going to bed.

Down Under Boy

We had an OUTSTANDING day at the races even though it was pretty hot. We are only mildly sunburnt. I backed a "roughie", Down Under Boy, in the last race and he WON!!!! $160 glorious dollars baby! However, I am hot and exhausted so here's the one picture I promised. I really don't love it and it's a pretty unflattering angle but it has my winning tickets!!

P.S. We have no idea what the weird grey strip is

Would Like Light Meat or Dark?

This can’t be happening to me! I mean CAN’T!!! It seriously feels like a nightmare. I am starting to spot. I haven’t triggered ovulation! I don’t even have a dominant follicle yet! I have officially lost my tiny mind. I don’t even know what the hell to do. I have an appointment on Monday but that is many, many hours away. I am sure I will find a way to fill those hours obsessing and searching the Internet for answers. So for really, real, if anyone is actually reading this and you had this happen please share what the heck is going on.

So I had to give myself my next injection after I found the spotting. It couldn’t have gone worse. I had to change the vial in the pen. It seriously hurt going in so I completely forgot to count to 5. I basically just pulled it back out. I am 99% sure that I didn’t get all the medication in there. So then I am crying that not only can I NOT get a freaking egg but also I am bleeding AGAIN!!!!

Tomorrow we are going to the Racing Carnival. It is one of the few days I really look forward to. I love getting all dolled up…but I still have no idea what the heck I am doing with my hair. I try to go the whole 9 yards. For the first time ever that would include a spray tan. My legs are horrifically white and combat kitty has quite the scratch collection happening. Plus my future sister in law is coming. She is Italian and beautifully tanned.

I was discussing needin a spray tan last Sunday night at the family dinner. Future SIL, Alana, says she does it to herself. I said I didn’t think I was game to do it myself. Simon snickered and said if I did it myself I would be an oompa loompa in fancy clothes. I wanted to smack him but let’s be honest the man is pretty much right.

Well, my hopes of having it professionally done went straight down the drain when every place was book out. Apparently these spray tan things are popular. This left 3 options: first go au natural and look like an extra for Breaking Dawn (I could have rocked the sparkles), two was call and beg Alana to help me and lastly, do it myself. I ruled out one pretty fast but it did seem the safer bet. Alana was too busy to come help despite begging and pleading. So option three it was!

I told Simon he would have to help me. He suggests that we get the solution and put it in the high-pressure washer…he will spray me. Yeah…no thanks! We got the spray can kind on the recommendation of Alana. Simon sprayed and I rubbed his mess in. My left upper thigh is pretty dark. You would think we had a beach house in Fiji. I think we did a pretty good job. I am a little worried that my left leg is a little darker than my right.

In happier news, my friend welcomed her brand new baby girl Julia Lily to the world this afternoon. We were supposed to go and visit her after school. I had a serious feeling she would go into labor. I told her to keep her knees closed but she didn’t listen! I guess I will just have to go visit her in the hospital and get some baby love that way.

Pictures of fun and babies to follow!!!

Today is/has been a weird day. We are smack in the middle of the Melbourne Cup Spring Racing Carnival so I have been enjoying a day off. Because I am American in Australia I often get asked how I find Australia, which do I like better, or is there anything Australia has that America doesn't. Well, hands down I have to say its the Spring Racing Carnival.

At first I couldn't really get my head around horse racing. It seems ridiculous and a waste of money to me. But now I love the Spring Carnival. Ladies get all dressed up and wear hats! It really is a lot of fun. I put $1 on my horses and strictly pick my horses based on names (Thanks Combat Kitty!) We will be going on Saturday so I have lots of preparations ahead of me.

I say today has been a weird day because babies have been heavily on mind. I don't know what it is. I made darn sure that I stuck to guns and got my school work done, but babies were constantly popping into my head. I also kept walking past and wandering into what will be the baby's room. I am sure after this I will spend an inappropriate amount of time surfing the internet for baby related sites.

Now a question for the internet if anyone else is reading this...did you all have weird vivid dreams while on Puregon or whatever injectable medication you were on? Serious this is the stuff that books are made of. In one dream I started out with Simon in Italy in 2011. We were walking along a beach and someone took our picture with an old fashion camera. Then suddenly we were transported back in time and it switched over to out of body experience. At first we were both confused. Then someone took Sim's picture and we were transported back again but separately. I was trying to find him but he didn't know me....and it went on and on.

My next dream was part reality tv show part nightmare. A group of girls were in a castle on a reality tv show to become a princess (this is how you know it's a dream). At first girls were just "voted" off regularly. Then suddenly on "eviction day" something good would happen or you were killed in some horrific fashion. Apparently, "judges" were rolling golden dice with strange symbols on them. It sort of reminds me of Jumaji or Zanthura.

Last night I was in an all out knock down quest for a wedding dress! What??? Then as I was getting ready to get married I saw my BLACK wedding dress size 30! I know I am on the bigger side of average but now where close to 30. Oh and in the dream it didn't fit (as in too small!) When I was finally ready in my black dress I walked down the aisle to marry a girl? Now I am not against gay marriage but I am definitely not and have never in the least bit been gay. It got pretty scandalous from there so I will leave it there. So yes lots and lots of weird dreams that are interrupting my sleep.