A busy Friday

So Friday morning started out great. We made it into the city in record time and when we walked into the office, Dr. Weston took us straight back. We had a good chat about everything that is going on. The best news is that he doesn't even want to talk about IVF yet. The plan is to take Provera to bring on my period. Then we are going to try 150 mg of Clomid (cd 3-7). If that doesn't work we will try 200 mg. I am definitely crossing my fingers that 150 mg is going to work.

If after those two cycles don't work than we will most likely move on to 3 rounds of injectables and IUI. I didn't have a heart attack when I heard that but I wasn't thrilled either. At $700 a go we will be eating cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We might even need to scale back to breakfast and dinner. By the time we left I felt like a balloon someone had let all the air out of.

In the afternoon, I was cashing in on my spa gift certificate. Two hours of hot rock massage, facial and light therapy. I always have the same lady. She is amazing and I recommend her to my friends. This WAS going to the highlight of my day. Well, she was sick or had a family emergency or something because she wasn't there. I got the work experience girl. So I am sure she has probably only given the bare minimum of hot rock massages. It was definitely not the same but not horrible. I typically like medium to firm pressure but that isn't what I got. The facial was a hot mess. I didn't even get my seaweed face mask! So Simon said he would make it up to me.

We ended the day by watching Prince William and Kate getting married. Her dress was out of this world! I think I have to plan a vow renewal now because I want Kate's dress! I really hope they are able to find their happily ever after. Goodness knows I am still chasing mine...so close yet so far.

Normality Returns?

So today started with a bang or perhaps the sound of a kitty "hoiking" up my hair tie at 5:00 am. I have no idea where he keeps finding them! In fact I wish he would share because I am starting to spend as much money on hair ties as pregnancy tests. Like many other good infertiles out there, he is my baby. So after cleaning up kitty puke I was very worried about him. He on the other hand thought "Fun times...LET'S PLAY!" I do not agree that 5:15 am is happy kitty fun time.

So school is back in session today. My student teacher appears to be amazing and the best thing is she is CANADIAN! So not American exactly but we share some common things...like homesickness. Anywho, I am completely panicking at the things that need to be done this week. I had a whole list of things to do tonight and I can't do it. Suddenly my husband appeared in my class after school. Apparently his car wouldn't start this morning and he needed a ride home. In all the excitement, or lack there of, what that will cost I left my work at work. GRRRRR.

Oh and Channel 9 can kiss my ass! They have completely messed with Wednesday nights. They put new episodes of Mike&Molly on Monday nights and there is NO new episode of The Big Bang Theory on tonight. So my husband is the living room watching all things sport. Insert gagging noises and glazed over eyes here. I am in the bedroom attempting to work but not working.

Today my friend/coworker announced that she was pregnant but I already knew. Actually, she told our principal who said at recess someone had an important announcement to make. Oddly, we are all married and only 2 of us are without children. I don't know why but everyone was looking at me. I was looking at them with the "don't look at me. I am just a pudgy infertile" and I looked at my friend. She did announce that she was pregnant and most people congratulated her but I was amazed there wasn't more of fuss made. Well perhaps secretly a little relieved.

I am starting to get nervous about my appointment on Friday. I don't know why. Perhaps my big fear is that the doctor is going to say IVF. The thought of IVF makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and crap my pants. I don't do needles and neither does Simon. I had major issues the little pin pricks for blood typing in biology. I am going to have to have one my nurse parents inject me! And if I am being completely honest with myself IVF=massive failure. I am really hoping we can do another round of Clomid. I guess only time will tell.

I thought today was a fabulous day to kick my Pepsi habit. I did really well until after school. Between the slow developing headache, oncoming panic attack over my list of things to do and the car breaking down...I brought down. On the bright side I made it almost 12 hours. That is a good start right?

Normality Returns?

So today started with a bang or perhaps the sound of a kitty "hoiking" up my hair tie at 5:00 am. I have no idea where he keeps finding them! In fact I wish he would share because I am starting to spend as much money on hair ties as pregnancy tests. Like many other good infertiles out there, he is my baby. So after cleaning up kitty puke I was very worried about him. He on the other hand thought "Fun times...LET'S PLAY!" I do not agree that 5:15 am is happy kitty fun time.

So school is back in session today. My student teacher appears to be amazing and the best thing is she is CANADIAN! So not American exactly but we share some common things...like homesickness. Anywho, I am completely panicking at the things that need to be done this week. I had a whole list of things to do tonight and I can't do it. Suddenly my husband appeared in my class after school. Apparently his car wouldn't start this morning and he needed a ride home. In all the excitement, or lack there of, what that will cost I left my work at work. GRRRRR.

Oh and Channel 9 can kiss my ass! They have completely messed with Wednesday nights. They put new episodes of Mike&Molly on Monday nights and there is NO new episode of The Big Bang Theory on tonight. So my husband is the living room watching all things sport. Insert gagging noises and glazed over eyes here. I am in the bedroom attempting to work but not working.

Today my friend/coworker announced that she was pregnant but I already knew. Actually, she told our principal who said at recess someone had an important announcement to make. Oddly, we are all married and only 2 of us are without children. I don't know why but everyone was looking at me. I was looking at them with the "don't look at me. I am just a pudgy infertile" and I looked at my friend. She did announce that she was pregnant and most people congratulated her but I was amazed there wasn't more of fuss made. Well perhaps secretly a little relieved.

I am starting to get nervous about my appointment on Friday. I don't know why. Perhaps my big fear is that the doctor is going to say IVF. The thought of IVF makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and crap my pants. I don't do needles and neither does Simon. I had major issues the little pin pricks for blood typing in biology. I am going to have to have one my nurse parents inject me! And if I am being completely honest with myself IVF=massive failure. I am really hoping we can do another round of Clomid. I guess only time will tell.

I thought today was a fabulous day to kick my Pepsi habit. I did really well until after school. Between the slow developing headache, oncoming panic attack over my list of things to do and the car breaking down...I brought down. On the bright side I made it almost 12 hours. That is a good start right?

It has started!

No, not my period. Still waiting for that! Have you heard that Prince William and Kate Middelton are getting married? Sweet Jesus how could you miss it?!!?!! So let's do a little math. Today is Monday. The wedding is on Friday. Every single news correspondent is in London ALREADY. Three morning news shows, 3 morning shows and at least 6 evening news shows have been TALKING ABOUT IT!!! I can't wait to see what they still have to say on Thursday. I resorted to watching the QVC to get away from it all. Anyone else over it all already?

Originally, I was going to write about having a few baby epiphanies, but I have been working hard and I don't think anyone wants to hear it today.

Happy Easter

Today was a pretty low key day and I am completely cool with that. Normally, when I host a holiday dinner all sorts of chaos break out. I would like to personally thank Martha Stewart for that. I get this image in my head and can't let go of the perfect dinner. From centerpieces and food all the way to cleanliness of my house. God like cleanliness at that. I mean cleaning out the fridge and pantry, reorganizing my linen cupboard in case someone happens to open it. I lose my tiny mind in the effort of perfection.

My big downfall, aside from the post party clean up, is the timing of everything. I miss my American stove because the one I have now is about half the size. I can fit in a roast and one caserole dish if I work it right. Plus we have an open plan kitchen dinning and family room. I hate being in the kitchen running around like a fool trying to get things ready while everyone else watches. I am also a huge fan of clean as you go to help that post party clean up problem.

Well, I've always heard about "make ahead" dishes and I finally decided to try it. It is seriously a life saver. This morning I just mixed and sliced everything up to be ready for when it needed to be cooked. I was amazingly calm today. It was a good thing to because my in-laws showed up 20 minutes before I said to come which was 40 minutes before dinner was ready. Oh well. I definitely am using the "make ahead" method again for Thanksgiving.

I will admit that I did spend a little time today thinking about what it would/will be like to celebrate Easter with a child. I thought about the Easter egg hunts and chocolate. I thought about pretty dresses and bows if it's a girl. It was good though. I didn't get overly sad and after thinking about it, I was able to move on.

Happy Easter!

It's official!

I lost my shit today...big time. To be completely honest, I didn't even see it coming. Tomorrow is Easter here. Normally we go over to my in-laws for dinner every Sunday night. It's nice that I don't have to cook or clean up. It's a clam relaxing way to welcome in the week. Any who, we are having Easter dinner at our house tomorrow. I am actually excited to be cooking dinner and thought of my house being less than perfectly clean isn't really bothering me (more on that later).

Simon also wanted to go the Chocolatier shop to get the chocolate mint triangles that I really love. Why did he wait until the day before Easter to do this? I don't really have an answer. Maybe he just wanted to drive 30 minutes out of his way for nothing. Actually, he said that he didn't think it would be a problem to get them. It's not like it's Easter candy. Surely you have figured out by now that they were sold out. I was starting to get mildly annoyed. Why does my husband have to wait to the last minute? Don't I deserve a little planning and forethought? I realize these are questions being asked by women the world over. So I told myself that I was trying to lose weight anyways and I didn't really need them. Yeah, that's it.

So we headed to the mall next because I need a meat thermometer along with groceries. All I can say is holy crap! I think everyone in town decided to go there. I have seen less people there 3 days before CHRISTMAS! Now I have a tiny bit of anxiety when it comes to busy public places. This is where I lost my tiny mind. I saw 12 pregnant women, double that many

mommies pushing their mega ass sized strollers, and three times that many old people. First, it seemed like every single time I needed to get something someone was there is block me. I hope there is a special place in hell for those lovely mommies that stop their mega ass sized stroller in the middle of an aisle or hallway making it impossible for you to walk around them etc. while they chat on their f***king iPhone or to a friend. The icing on the cake is when they suddenly stop in the middle of said hallway causing you to almost slam or trip over them. Manners go along way PEOPLE!!!!

Then the old people. OH the old people. We were wai

ting for the elevator to go back to the car because we have more groceries that hands. So we let everyone else go before us. The women with their gianormous strollers and some other old people. Two elevators came and went. Just as we were about to get on to the third elevator this old guy quickly (emphasis on the QUICK part) grabs his three bags out of the cart and pushes in front of us to get on the elevator. He did this faster than Simon could start pushing the cart. Then another old lady with a walker appears out of no where and pushes in front of us too. Fine...I get it. But they both stood in the middle of the elevator making it IMPOSSIBLE to get the cart in. Eventually they moved. Yes, I know I am going to hell and I just hope they serve tacos!

Before all this started we decided to have lunch in the food court. I managed to get a table while Simon waited for the food. There was a nice couple sitting about 2 tables over with their 3 children. One about 5 or 6, one between 16-20 months and a newborn. I swear to God the 16-20 month old boy was giving me the stink eye. He clearly knew I was an unworthy infertile cow. And I am not making it up. Simon thought it was hilarious when he saw it.

So yeah. I lost it! I cried. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw something at someone. I wanted to take a nap.

So here is a picture to make you smile or scream. Our printer broke but we invited a printer mechanic over before we threw it out.

Random bits...

So here are just a random pieces of how I am trying to hold it all together.

Wednesday nights are sacred in our house. That is the night that The Big Bang Theory and Mike & Molly are on t.v. here. We LOVE Big Bang and Mike & Molly. Usually we are laughing so hard I have to worry about wetting my pants. There is just something special about Wednesday nights that I look forward to. I try my hardest not to bring work home with me and to keep Simon far, far away from the computer and iPhone. I just love cuddling on the couch laughing together. I seriously wish we could have more Wednesday nights. But this Wednesday THEY WEREN'T ON!! Channel 9 completely messed up my Wednesday mojo! All I can say is it better be on next Wednesday.

Thursday I made a huge effort to pull myself out of this funk. Generally, the teacher in me is never far from the surface of my mind and I give up A LOT of my "free" time creating lessons or learning centers etc.. I usually spend the whole breaks focusing on the up coming term, so when I have only spent a tiny amount of time these past two weeks I start to lose my tiny mind. I can't let go of anything. So I lie in bed thinking of the 3,000 things on my to do list and start to panic. But I have had no energy to do anything about it.

So in an effort to save what little sanity I might still be clinging to, I went into school to get some work done. My close friend and work colleague Shazz was there too. Apparently she has had no energy for school things either this break and isn't organized for the up coming term. And because I am a horrible person, all I can say is thank god! I don't know how she does it. Her house is spotless, she is leader of our team, she is AMAZINGLY organized a week in advanced, and to top it all off she is a fantastic mother to two kiddos. I only hope to aspire to her level of awesomeness. So I didn't get it all done but at least it looks like I have done something. But I haven't done anything else...so panic is starting to creep back in.

The weirdest thing about Australia has to be Good Friday hands down! The whole of the friggin country shuts down for a religious holiday. The weird part is very little of Australia is actually religious compared to America. There is nothing on t.v. and everyone eats fish. Well, I don't eat fish and I get extremely bored on Good Friday. Well, this Good Friday I painted an accent wall in my family room. YEAAAA. I really like how it all turned out and it definitely gives the room a new feel. The horrible part is I have made more work for myself because the painters did just a crap job I need to repaint the crown molding and other walls where the tape took off the paint. GRRRRRR!!!

In between all those activities I have been trying to not focus on babies and pregnancy. I would love to say it has worked but it hasn't completely. It doesn't help that I have started to get some crampy feelings in the land down under and I am still nausea from time to time. Walking down the pregnancy test aisle took a lot of control. Now I am off to watch the Rachel Zoe Marathon and dream about owning Marc Jacobs.

I feel totally stupid!

Today is cd34. Still no sign of a period. So of course this morning as I lie in bed thinking about actually getting up I started over interpreting "symptoms". Like wondering have I been going to the bathroom more than normal?

The totally stupid part is I don't know what to do! When we met with doctor to start this past cycle he said that I could just call to get the results of my cd21 blood test and the nurse could let me know if I should increase the clomid. Then I could just pick up the new script and not have to miss work for an appointment. So I guess my assumption and possibly his is that I would actually get a friggin' period. I suddenly find the fact that I WANT a period hysterically funny.

So I spent half the day wanting to call the doctor but not because I didn't want him to think I was a total idiot aka...you don't deserve children you infertile moron. It didn't help that Simon frustrated me to NO END!!! I almost threw him out of the house. The man said we were going to spend the day together. Therefore, I spent heaps of time getting ready this morning. I shaved my legs and actually did my hair. But we didn't go out. He told me over and over again that he wasn't leaving the house today and he rather listen to the Bulls basketball game on his friggin iPhone! Even if he didn't originally say we would go out, wouldn't you think to take your super cute wife out?!

So I gave in to the crazy and started searching the internet for cute baby clothes. At first I told my deluded self that I was looking for a present for my pregnant friend and pregnant cousin in law both who are due in the next few weeks. Then it quickly dissolved into me looking for my future child almost going as far as to buy something! I guess losing my tiny mind helped though because I finally gave in and made an appointment to see the doctor. Granted I didn't have the courage to mention anything that was going on. I just said I needed an appointment.

Oh and for giggles...here was the super life altering advice of my horoscope today.

"What are you doing here? What are you suppose to be achieving and accomplishing? Ought you be working harder? You are beginning to doubt yourself. You are losing faith in a plan that once inspired you. That's largely because it is proving more difficult than you expected it to be." Well, if that ain't one big cosmic slap to the forehead. DUHHH!

As promised!

So tell me these awesome FABRIC shoes aren't the ugliest shoes on the planet?

Things are looking up!

Well, the best news is that I finally feel better. I'm still blowing my nose from time to time but I no longer feel like I am breathing through a snorkel or going to spew. Sim even agreed to return to our bed but I think we are both missing not having to share. Perhaps this was the event we needed to finally decide to buy a king size bed.

I sort of had a reality check this weekend. I don't know what caused it but I am very greatful for it!! Having a baby was not my first dream or obsession. My first dream was building my own house. Instead of reading blogs about infertility... I use to follow people's build. I was part of a message board about where topics included bricks, carpets and sinks! I had lists upon lists of things I would put in my house and how I would decorate it. We would visit display or model homes every other weekend. And much like now I would feel like my dream was just out of reach and we would never buy/build our first home.

Well we did end up building an awesome house that we both love! Is it the dream house I was dying to have? No, but it's an amazing 2nd choice. Ever since I was probably 18 all I wanted to do is decorate and paint MY OWN HOUSE (thanks HGTV and TLC). Sooo the question is why am I not doing this? We have lived in our house over a year and it's pretty much the same as the day we moved in. Ohhh yeah some dumb doctor told me to get a move on with the babies.

I guess this is turning into a really long post to say... I PAINTED!!! I have had most of the pieces for my guest room just sitting in the closet. It was the best feeling I've had in a long, long time. I just keep walking past the room and have to stare at the wall. Now I have to actually break out the sewing machine to make the pillow shams and hem the curtain fabric. I am really excited to keep going with the project. It will be our first finished room. And I am probably even going to paint an accent wall in the family and dinning room this next weekend.

The best news of all is I kept the ball rolling today. I put a lot of effort into teaching Grade 1. I know there are people out there who put in much more than I do. Well, I have a student teacher starting soon and parent teacher conferences coming up so I have to get my teaching act together. I was able to write learning plans and assessment profile for 6 students. Go me! I hate feeling stressed out so I rather do a little at a time than all at once.

The icing on the cake for me today was we had spontaneous, non-baby making sex for the first time in a lonnnngggg time. I seriously needed to feel wanted. I don't know if other people who are struggling with fertility issues have this problem, but every so often I get really angry at him. Blame it on the iPhone or hormones or whatever but I accuse him of cheating on me. I start to feel like he doesn't find me attractive because we spend evenings in other rooms. I feel fat and ugly. I become paranoid about every female contact on Facebook. If he works late or gets a text message at a weird time, I immediately think the worst. Eventually, I get over it and apologize. But the worst part of it all is that he never gets angry back. He totally understands I have lost my tiny mind.

How I Met the Ugliest Shoes Ever!

Today has been another day full of roller coaster emotions. I am still sick but day time t.v. is no longer my new BFF. In fact day time t.v. can kiss my infertile a$$. Mostly because I couldn't find anything worth watching. Then there seem to be entire channels dedicated to reminding me of my inability to get knocked up. Here is the actual programming on said channel today... Bringing Home Baby... A Baby Story... Surviving Motherhood... and my personal favourite 3 episodes of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". WTF!!! Who was the creative genius behind that program?!

So what does a sick person stuck in bed with lots of free time on her hands do? Spend lots of time on the Internet duhhhhh! So it took me all of 3 minutes to look at my favourite blogs and that leaves only one activity left. Obsess over babies and infertility of course!

So today is cycle day 30 (cd30). No signs of a period. Insert delusional thoughts here. Even though a blood test told me I didn't ovulate and I have no symptoms but a kick ass cold/infection, there was that one person who end up actually being pregnant. And then there was that post by someone who said they took a million home pregnancy tests and they kept getting a negative until week 8. So I start to wonder if I still have a pregnancy test left over from last time. I actually got out of bed and started digging through my cupboard looking for the test! Then in the mere milliseconds before officially losing my tiny mind, I realized what I was about to do. And now that I think about it, what compels someone to pee on multiple home pregnancy tests for 8 weeks?! Those things aren't cheap. In fact, I could probably have a new pair of pretty heels with the amount of money I have spent on home pregnancy tests thus far.

By 6:00 tonight I had cabin fever big time. I was in a major funk. I missed the good ol' US of A, I felt like I was never going to get through my giant list of "I'm 30 and want to be someone's mommy" list and of course I'm still infertile. So I grabbed the hubby off the couch and we headed to the mall. We saw the cutest little kitties at the pet store, but then I got all emotional and sad because what if no one wants to take them home and love on them. It was even worse because the kitten looks just like my baby. Then of course all I could think about was the heartless bitch who dump him and his siblings in an empty lot...okay I digress.

There is candy store that sells American soft drinks. YEAAA!!! I don't know about anyone else but when I'm sick Canada Dry Ginger Ale is like a hug from mom. So I make a beeline for the fridge and the woman who worked there was blocking me with her stupid ladder reorganizing extra stock or something. There was no way around her because its a tiny poorly laid out store. I was CLEARLY interested in getting a can out but did she move?? OH HELL NO!!! We made eye contact right before I left the store because OHHHH THE RAGE. All I wanted to do was go back in there and push her off the ladder. Or perhaps throw candy bars at her at her until she fell and cracked her head open like humpty dumpty. What stupid sales persons blocks their only customer from the one product they want???!!!! Maybe I should have beaten her like a pinata because she had candy for brains? Yes, I know these are not kind thoughts and I probably have just secured a spot on the express train to hell. All I wanted was ginger ale.

I had to settle for the next best thing...TARGET!!! Definitely not as cool as the American Targets but a very decent equivalent. I stumbled across the 4th book in a series I have been reading. SCORE!! (At least I can read tomorrow and not worry about the awesomeness of daytime t.v.) Then had ice cream for dinner. Yes, I know this was not the best idea but I was still contemplating tenderizing the candy lady with my new meat tenderizer from Target. As we were leaving I found the UGLIEST shoes on the planet or at least the southern hemisphere. I can not even begin to describe them. All I can say is someone clearly skinned the ugliest couch ever to make them. I will upload the picture of them when my internet starts cooperating.

This sucks...

So I have a decent cold or the flu or some fun infection. I have one of those awesome headaches behind your eyes where even your eyebrows hurt. Kleenex and day time television are my two new best friends. Apparently, I am soooo attractive hubby is sleeping in the guest room. The worst part of it all is we have plans for friends to come play cards with us on Saturday. And because someone is pregnant we are little worried about infecting others. Okay enough negativity.

So I decided to call my momma this morning and fill her in on the negative result from this cycle. It was good to talk to her about it. It's a little tough for us because she is one of those horrible fertile people that just have to think about getting pregnant and shazam!! So I lately I have been feeling like there is still a lot on my grown up list of things to do because now you are 30 and want to be a mommy list.

1. Paint all the walls in our house because the builder did a not so fab job.

2. Life insurance- What is it? How do you get it?

3. Australian Tax season is coming...call and make appointment

4. A fireproof safe for important papers/passports

5. Call to see if we can get a better deal on car insurance

and there is a lot more like retirement funds, wills, etc. but who really wants to think about those things?!

But I was able to cross a couple things off my list today and man did it feel good. I finally got a paper shredder!!! Woot woot. I guess you know you are old when you get excited by a paper shredder. But like every child I immediately had to shred when we got home. As a victim of identity theft, I can't stress enough how important it is to shred, Shred, SHRED! those important papers.

The second thing I was able to half cross off my list is painting the guest bedroom. We agreed on a colour in under 10 minutes and paint is sitting my garage. So I won't be painting today in my awesomeness but we have been planning on painting since December. Hopefully, it will happen tomorrow or by Sunday at the latest.

On a final good note for the day, I get to spend quality time with my kitty. Apparently he is not worried about getting sick because he is curled up on my chest/neck. It's nice to know someone loves me still!

I guess the time has come...

Well here goes nothing. Hi, my name is Valerie and I have PCOS(polycystic ovary syndrome). Like so many other women out there, we are struggling to conceive a baby. And like so many other women out there, I have scourged the internet for answers and inspiration, held my legs in the air for 20 minutes afterwards and a few things I rather not admit to doing.

It feels like every woman I see is pregnant. Every friend is either pregnant or has a child under the age of two. My two favourite bloggers both just had a baby. Though I try to not let it get to me, it totally is! I know it's ridiculous to think "what is wrong with me?" but I do! If one more person tells me to get a dog or relax I AM GOING TO LOSE MY TINY FRIGGIN' MIND!!!

So here I am blogging to try and hold the last little pieces of my mind together. I know it's possible that some day someone might read this blog. And it's possible that this might offer inspiration or advice to someone else in my position. But I'm really doing this for me.

So here is the journey so far...

I have known since I got my first period that I was different...mainly because the doctor told me. I started birth control pills at 14 to try and tame the beast or at least regulate my periods. All was great until I was 20. My annual pap smear came back with cancerous cells (it's been all good since). If you're a glass half full person it was a good thing because that is when the doctor said "you most likely will need help getting pregnant". Ummm yeah greatttt! But thanks for the heads up.

After that my cycle became really irregular. One horriffic period a year was awesome!!! My poor friends had to suffer each month but not me!!! It was very convient in college and with boyfriends. Okay it wasn't all fun and games. I started gaining weight and no matter what I did I barely lost any weight. Then there was the undescribable pain that would come out of now where. I mean who doesn't love lying in the fetal position in the middle of Target?

Fast forward to March 2006...a beautiful wedding to the man I love and one really BIG move from the US to Melbourne, Australia! (G'day mates!) So after settling in for a few months it was time for the annual pap smear (it was all good!) and finally an answer I had been waiting for. I had PCOS. It was a massive relief to finally know what the hell was going on in the land down under. Then she said the words that would etch themselves deep in my mind. "If you want children, I would get started as soon as possible." So yeah....

Now I have this whole huge list of things I need to do because I "want to do it the right way". First, get a job (easier said than done). Second, achieve financial security (hubby sees this one as buy lots of lottery tickets). Third, buy a house. Fourth, build a happy marriage and brand new life in Australia. And do it all in a year. It didn't happen. It was an impossible goal but damn if I didn't try.

So fast forward a few more years and here we are today. Three specialists later. We tried clomid first and I didn't ovulate. Only later to find out that 25 mg of clomid was a joke. Oh but finally got a period that lasted 8 weeks. First D&C and scopey thing. We took a break because everyone knows just relaxing can help. First specialist put us in the "too hard" basket but the head of IVF centre was ready to deal with us. I spent hours crying because no one said IVF before. We met with him and apparently the first specialist is a moron. He says let's try metformin. I spend countless hours on the internet...great let's try! And then the side effect starts. Finally, life gets too be too much as my best friend declares she is pregnant and everyone again reminds me that just relaxing will help or they know someone who went through all this and when they "took a break" they got pregnant.

During my break I got my period. YEAAAA I am normal. Or not! At 11 weeks I finally decided to see the doctor. Oh but wait...he retired without TELLING ME!!!!! So specialist number 3 here we come. He finally decides to analyze hubby's swimmers (they are fine) and to check me out throughly. So as a 30th birthday present I had a second D&C and scopey thing. All is good nothing in my uterus of doom and no blocked tubes. So we started clomid again but at 100 mg this time.

Today is cycle day 28...according to the blood test I didn't even ovulate. I even took a pregnancy test in a small moment of utter delusion hoping it would come up positive. No signs of a period. I know I my journey is longer than some and much shorter than others but so far those are the facts.