It feels like every woman I see is pregnant. Every friend is either pregnant or has a child under the age of two. My two favourite bloggers both just had a baby. Though I try to not let it get to me, it totally is! I know it's ridiculous to think "what is wrong with me?" but I do! If one more person tells me to get a dog or relax I AM GOING TO LOSE MY TINY FRIGGIN' MIND!!!
So here I am blogging to try and hold the last little pieces of my mind together. I know it's possible that some day someone might read this blog. And it's possible that this might offer inspiration or advice to someone else in my position. But I'm really doing this for me.
So here is the journey so far...
I have known since I got my first period that I was different...mainly because the doctor told me. I started birth control pills at 14 to try and tame the beast or at least regulate my periods. All was great until I was 20. My annual pap smear came back with cancerous cells (it's been all good since). If you're a glass half full person it was a good thing because that is when the doctor said "you most likely will need help getting pregnant". Ummm yeah greatttt! But thanks for the heads up.
After that my cycle became really irregular. One horriffic period a year was awesome!!! My poor friends had to suffer each month but not me!!! It was very convient in college and with boyfriends. Okay it wasn't all fun and games. I started gaining weight and no matter what I did I barely lost any weight. Then there was the undescribable pain that would come out of now where. I mean who doesn't love lying in the fetal position in the middle of Target?
Fast forward to March 2006...a beautiful wedding to the man I love and one really BIG move from the US to Melbourne, Australia! (G'day mates!) So after settling in for a few months it was time for the annual pap smear (it was all good!) and finally an answer I had been waiting for. I had PCOS. It was a massive relief to finally know what the hell was going on in the land down under. Then she said the words that would etch themselves deep in my mind. "If you want children, I would get started as soon as possible." So yeah....
Now I have this whole huge list of things I need to do because I "want to do it the right way". First, get a job (easier said than done). Second, achieve financial security (hubby sees this one as buy lots of lottery tickets). Third, buy a house. Fourth, build a happy marriage and brand new life in Australia. And do it all in a year. It didn't happen. It was an impossible goal but damn if I didn't try.
So fast forward a few more years and here we are today. Three specialists later. We tried clomid first and I didn't ovulate. Only later to find out that 25 mg of clomid was a joke. Oh but finally got a period that lasted 8 weeks. First D&C and scopey thing. We took a break because everyone knows just relaxing can help. First specialist put us in the "too hard" basket but the head of IVF centre was ready to deal with us. I spent hours crying because no one said IVF before. We met with him and apparently the first specialist is a moron. He says let's try metformin. I spend countless hours on the internet...great let's try! And then the side effect starts. Finally, life gets too be too much as my best friend declares she is pregnant and everyone again reminds me that just relaxing will help or they know someone who went through all this and when they "took a break" they got pregnant.
During my break I got my period. YEAAAA I am normal. Or not! At 11 weeks I finally decided to see the doctor. Oh but wait...he retired without TELLING ME!!!!! So specialist number 3 here we come. He finally decides to analyze hubby's swimmers (they are fine) and to check me out throughly. So as a 30th birthday present I had a second D&C and scopey thing. All is good nothing in my uterus of doom and no blocked tubes. So we started clomid again but at 100 mg this time.
Today is cycle day 28...according to the blood test I didn't even ovulate. I even took a pregnancy test in a small moment of utter delusion hoping it would come up positive. No signs of a period. I know I my journey is longer than some and much shorter than others but so far those are the facts.
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