Hello New Year!

Happy New Years!

I can't believe it's 2012 already. I am pretty sure I said that last year when it was 2011. I am seriously ready for 2012 and to kiss 2011 good bye. It was a tough year for us pretty much all around. Instead of focusing on what happened or didn't happen, I am going to try and focus on the positives.

1. I got to go back to the states and spend quality time with my momma.

2. My job became permanent and my own!

3. We had the opportunity to continue trying to get pregnant.

4. We have some amazing friends and family.

Number five would have to be my amazing husband. Yesterday, I got the surprise of my life outside of winning the lottery or having a positive pregnancy test. My honey planned for us to spend New Years Eve in the city at a very nice hotel (Crown Metropole). We had a beautiful view of the city from the 22 floor. He even arranged for a bottle of french champagne to be brought up to the room.

It was really exciting to get all dressed up and go out for dinner. I think that was the only bad part as well. Lots of the restaurants had set menus that started at about $150 a person. I like eating out but I don't like it that much. We ended up at one of our favorite restaurants The Pub at the casino. Which I was completely fine with because the food is yummy and quick!

After dinner we spent some time walking along the Yarra River (and we might have ate ice cream too). It was a beautiful night. It was still warm but not obnoxious and the trees all have white Christmas lights in them. We thought we would catch the 9:30 kids fireworks but we were in the wrong spot. We could hear them and barely see them between the buildings so we went back into the casino. We never really gamble when we are at the casino so we made an exception tonight. Simon played blackjack and I played slot machines.

After donating our money, we thought we would go get our positions for the midnight fireworks. We met up with Simon's brother and his girlfriend who were also staying the night in the city. The fireworks were really, really pretty and I am glad we stayed the night. I am pretty sure last night guaranteed we will be buying a king size bed.

This morning we met up with Simon's brother and the rest of the family to have lunch before driving back home. It was a truly fantastic way to say hello to 2012.

I have this feeling that this year is going to be our year. I am not saying we are going to get pregnant and have a baby. I just think that 2012 will make my family stronger.

Wishing you and your family a happy, healthy 2012!

e Valerie f

In 500 metres you will be totally LOST!

Yesterday, I lost my tiny mind BIG TIME. What was supposed to be an hour easy peasy journey turned into a two hour comedy sketch.

I hate hate hate driving. I have the attention span of a 5 year old and I get bored in the car easily. Plus I hate driving in Australia because I have no idea where I was going. I'm constantly afraid of getting lost and not being able to find my way back home without going 7 hours out of my way. So Sim bought me a GPS system for the car. I only use it when I am going to some place new for the first time. So the night before Sim plugged in the address of the beach house for me. He gave me quick directions like get on the Eastern take it ALL the way go through about 5 roundabouts. Shazam you are there!

Let me tell you it was not SHAZAM you are there. I turned it on and started following the directions about 30 minutes into the trip I was beginning to panic a little bit. It's sending me to the Monsah Freeway NOT the EASTERN! I should also mention we paid for me to travel on the Eastern. So I pulled over and did a quick check through the rest of the directions and not once did it mention the Eastern. I quickly called Simon.

Simon: What's wrong?

Me: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF CAMBERWELL AND NO WHERE NEAR THE EASTERN!!!

Simon: What?!

Me: Did you check the path before hand?

Simon: No I just assumed it would send you via the Eastern.

Me: WELL NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Simon: Well get on the Monash and it will take to you the Eastern than just stay on the Eastern and the gps will correct itself.

Well that seemed like a simple plan. I followed it for a while. Then something seemed a little fishy. GPS says I am 2 minutes away from my destination and I KNOW I am not in the right town. Pulled over and called Simon. The wrong house number and TOWN are in the GPS. Well, F@#*^(#*$&(*^#($*^#($*^(#*^$(#*^$(*^*@&%&^$!^%$@#^%K! It's a good thing I didn't knock on someone else's door. When I typed in the right address it said the street doesn't exist. Hmmm. I typed in a street I thought might be near by and it was in hindsight.

So by this time my friends are starting to worry about where I am. I fill them in and reassure I will be there shortly. I start driving and suddenly start to worry that I am not in the right location. My friend calls and I pull over to talk to her. I describe where I am and they are convinced I am lost. Hell, I thought I was too. I drive to a nearby carnival to meet them and follow them back. Turns out I was about 100 yards away from their house when I pulled over the last time. I find it wildly funny that I was describing what was around me and they didn't recognize it.

Oh well, I made it in the end and we had fun at the beach. Sadly I am enjoying a sunburn on the back of my shoulders where I couldn't reach with sunscreen. I am hoping the spray tan tomorrow might even me out a little bit. I am little nervous to get my first official (not done by me) spray tan. I hear they are wildly addictive.

The meaning of infertility

Between last night and this morning I have found a way to turn a horrible situation (infertility) into a terrific situation. I seriously think this could be the answer to all our infertility prayers. First, you might need a little background on what lead to this enlightened stage.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Simon began asking me if I had seen his car keys. The house was pretty clean and we still weren't able to find them. In fact they had been lost for a couple days now. If you read yesterday's post than you know the emotional temperature in the house. Simon started accusing me of having his keys as I stand there in a night gown with no pockets. Several narky comments were exchanged.

Then we were lying in bed and I was watching tv and he was on his iPhone (doing whatever the hell it is people do on iPhones). Well, there was nothing on tv so we put a dvd on. Our dvd player is stupid because you HAVE to use the remote. Where is the remote?

Simon: Where is the remote?

Me: I don't know.

Simon: You were the last one to watch a movie in here!

Me: Do you think I wouldn't give it to you if I had it?

Simon: (silence like he is afraid to say yes but really wants to)

Me: narky comment about where he could keep it from now on

Simon: returns narky comment about shoving it up my ....

Hallelujah!!!!!!! The clouds part and God bestows his blessings on me of my purpose in this infertile life!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Well, I'll just start storing things in my unused vagina! That way we will never lose anything. It's way better than pockets. Since I can't keep a human being up there I might as well keep your keys and the remotes up there. They are smaller than a baby anyways. It's perfect!

Simon: Stunned silence.

Me 1 Simon 0

So that is it! My perfect solution to being an infertile I will just start hiding shit up my lady business like a kangaroo! I would never need to worry about someone stealing my wallet ever again or having my car keys drop to the bottomless abbess that is my handbag. Not to mention is a quick solution to outfits without pockets. It might mean wearing a lot of skirts but those are semantics.

I think I am going to reward my good thinking by taking a trip to the beach today. Our friends have a beach house and go down every year for the week between Christmas and News Years. They invited us down but Simon is working this week, so we planned on me going down by myself sometime this week. But I think today is a perfect day to go. Tomorrow is supposed to be a lot warmer than today but I have a spa appointment tomorrow afternoon... so today is as good as any.

Have a fantastic day!

On the second day after Christmas my true love gave to me...

Anger seems to be the emotion of the day. I am not sure where it came from or why but I certainly know who it's directed at. Today is not a good day to be the husband. As he says, "I can't do anything right today!". One of my main complaints is CLOSE THE F-ING DISHWASHER!!!! It's not hard or complicated. You simply bend over and lift the door as you straighten up. I thought perhaps he would like me to draw him a diagram. I thought wrong. So to prevent stabbing "the man I love" I went to the pool.

Seriously ready to kick someone's ass. I drove an hour round trip for NOTHING!!! I had dreams of swimming my anger away only to be greeted with a sign that said the pool was closed until the 30th of December. Hmmm do you think you MIGHT WANT TO PUT THAT ON YOUR WEBSITE??!!! I checked the website for their special CHRISTMAS hours but they couldn't put that little factoid up?

Somewhere between the pool and home I knew what I needed to do. Take down the Christmas tree. Normally, I don't take the tree down until a couple days after New Years and only than because I don't have heart shape ornaments to decorate for Valentine's Day. But I pointed my anger towards the tree. I swiftly took off all the ornaments not even waiting to get the boxes down from the high shelf in the garage. I just piled them up on the couch. I was tugging lights off branches before Simon inquired about what I was doing. I thought it was very clear. Apparently, he didn't understand why but he helped anyways. Somehow I feel a little better.

So tonight I thought I would indulge in a little infertility blog reading. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!! It is just me or does everyone seem very black and white right now? Apparently lots of people have been successful. Yea to them! But this seems to bring up a little jealousness and hurry up January 9th so I can start again. It no longer seems to bring up the hope I used to get from reading others success stories. I secretly thinking I am looking for the magic formula that will get me pregnant.

The rest of the us out there (me included) seem to have failed this time around, and are in various stages of grief. I am pretty sure Christmas is not helping. What I don't get is what makes other people leave mean comments for someone? I haven't gotten any comments so I am not talking about me, but other blogs I visited. But even on my worst day I don't think I could say some the things these people have.

This leads to the BIG MISTAKE part. Is this what I might become? Will I become so angry and bitter and hurt that I will make horrible comments to another person I don't really know because they were successful? Will the sight of an ultrasound picture be grounds for declaring holy jihad? I sincerely hope not.

What I am actually feeling now is worried! I am very scared that I might not ever be pregnant. I am losing my confidence. I have this massive list of things I feel like I need to be doing yesterday. Acupuncture, fertility yoga, praying, charting (a non existent cycle) weight loss and more exercise etc. I am going to give up for tonight because the husband is making me angry again.

Our kitty LOVES his laser pointer! I am sure he would marry it if he could. Sim was playing with him (aka wear his little kitty britches out before bed) when Lucky ran over his foot trying to get to the red dot. He accidently scratched Simon's foot. I laughed because his reaction was funny and he chucked the toy at me. It dropped to the floor and broke! Now Lucky is pissed off too. He wants to finish playing and we have no laser pointer. What a bad, bad daddy!

Merry Christmas

I hope you all had a fabulous, festive Christmas! And I am very sorry for the long random post.

Our Christmas was mildly boring and very eventful. First, I just have to vent. I am not cool with the way we spend Christmas. First, Simon ALWAYS gets up early to the point where I think I married a 4 year old. Then we head over to his parent's house for lunch at 1:00(that turns into 2:00 by the time the food is finally cooked). Then we come back home so I can take a nap ( I DEMANDED a nap this year). Then we turn around and go back to his parent's house at about 5:30 so other family members can come for dinner. Does this seem stupid to anyone else????!!!! Two meals aside couldn't we just have lunch at 3:00 and then stay over until dinner???

When we went back over to his parent's house there was a storm on the horizon and lots of lightening. We sat out on their back patio watching it roll past. Well until the funnel cloud started to form over the house. Like a good midwesterner we stood outside filming with the iphone. Then the temperature dropped drastically. I suggested we go inside quickly and they started to argue. Then patio furniture took off Wizard of Oz style and everyone went inside.

It started to rain. Then marble size hail and then golf ball size hail. I had a white Christmas after all. It hailed and hailed and hailed. It hailed for a good 10-15 minutes which I think is highly unusual. Then it rained and rained and rained. The people behind Simon's parent's flooded.

Then we started to worry about our house. As we leave to check out our house the power goes out. Then we can't get into our house now. Simon took my house key off my keys and all I had was an electric garage door opener. We walked around the house to check the windows and went back. Have you ever had to entertain a 5 year old and 8 year old without toys, electricity or the ability to play outside? It's not fun!! I just kept focusing on my favorite present. My hubby got me some fantastic presents. My favorite by far was my Tiffany&Co. key. Only 3 years of hinting and some blatant pointing out in the store finally did the trick.

Here is a fun fact I found out on Christmas Eve as I was doing some last minute shopping. Simon's cousin had another baby 6 weeks ago. How the hell did anyone not think to tell us?! So we had some last minute baby/Christmas present shopping to do. I was sooooooo not okay with this. Number one... I just love when people say comments like "she was a total accident" etc. like having another child is an act of terrorism. Number two...I HATE HAATE HAAAATEEEEE shopping on Christmas Eve. Stores and malls are freaking NUTS! Which was just the right recipe for me to lose my tiny mind.

Before we left we walked into the grocery store to grab a few items. I was picking out cherries and I sent Simon to get bread. This involved him walking straight back from where I was to the back wall. I could see the bread from where I was. I got my cherries and walked to the bread. No Simon. I looked around the rest of the fruit and veggie area. No Simon. About a bizillion other people and their psychotic offspring but no Simon. I walked to the next aisle to see if he was there. NO SIMON!!! I stood next to the bread just mere seconds from hyperventilating. I was trapped by people and shopping carts. Just as I was about to cry Simon finally appeared with the bread. Apparently he was in all the places I looked but just never saw him. Go figure!

Can I just say how excited I am to get started with the baby making again?!

Take 11!

I would need all ten fingers to count the number of times I have started a post but end up deleting it. Life continues to be a roller coaster of emotions with good days and bad days.

The best part is that I am exactly 2.5 hours from the finish line. My wonderful (at least for today) husband came in and graciously helped me pack up my classroom for 2 hours. I am not changing rooms (THANK GOD!) but I needed to take down displays and throw out some really heavy crap. I am already feeling better about walking back in the door in 6 weeks.

One thing I will really miss is my baby. She drives me crazy all day long following me around with books asking if she can read with me or if I will read to her. Her home life is a nightmare (literally!). I am pretty sure I will worry about her until next February.

This is what you find when you let a 7 year old hold your camera for a little bit.

I am at peace with not achieving the perfect Christmas this year (at least for the moment). I am trying to figure out what I did wrong this year so that I can do it better next year. That is all I can hope for right? I did go a baking spree this weekend. Seriously going to have to start wearing the fat pants.

A small sample of the 56 that adorn my dining room table. And it refused to rotate!

On the bad side my stomach is killing me. I am not very hungry and when I do eat I feel completely sick. I think it is all the crazy holiday food I have been eating.

We make our next baby appointment on January 9th which seems like ages away but in reality it's not that far off. Until than I will try my very best not to spend too much time obsessing but we all know how that is really going to go down.

M.I.A.

I apologize for being a little M.I.A. lately. I know I get really annoyed when I read someone's blog and they haven't update in ages. So if I have annoyed anyone I am very sorry. The truth is I am just trying to keep my head above water right now and I was never really good at swimming. Good intentions really do pave the road to disorganization.

The school year is wrapping up. I need to get portfolios done and clean up the classroom. We are celebrating the December holidays. I am trying to get a present together for my kiddos in the way of a movie with all the pictures of our year together. Oh don't forget parent helper gifts.

My own 5th circle of hell is trying to get ready for Christmas at home. I refuse to say anymore because I will just depress myself. At least the tree is up and some presents are underneath it.

On the infertility front...

My emotions are a roller coaster. BIG TIME!!! I think deep down in my core I'm okay with what happened. I am sure there was a very logical reason for why I started bleeding and I really don't want to over analyze it. Then I will literally be driving myself crazy and we all know I don't need any additional help in that department.

It's really the little things that are setting me off. Saturday night Simon had a staff only Christmas party which I didn't want to go to anyways. I was very happy sitting on my couch watching Polar Express. Well, until the end of the movie that is. Apparently, that was the tipping point for me. I turned into a sobbing, disgusting mess. The fact that another whole year had past by, we were still childless and I wasn't pregnant anymore really hit me hard. I suddenly didn't want to do gingerbread houses with my best friend's children the next day. I wanted to take the Christmas tree down. I didn't want to see anyone ever again. For the record I did the houses and we had a lot of fun. I just really wish I could be doing it with my own children in the not too distant future.

Yesterday, another couple just announced that they are pregnant. They have been married just over a year (insert bitter infertile here). Then a teacher told me how another at our school tried unsuccessfully for 16 years. I just wanted to wet my pants. I am completely freaking out. What i that is ME?!

Then the icing on the cake is that I had a dream that Simon made me take a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! Now the crazy part of me, that doesn't live too deep down, wants to go buy another box of pregnancy tests and TAKE ONE!!!! Medical professionals have already declared me unpreggers, but apparently that isn't enough to shut up the crazy! And even as I type I am completely questioning taking the month of December off. Why didn't we just go again?? Oh boy! I better go do something more productive.

Cycle Day 4

Here is an extremely long boring post about my weekend.

What you need to know before I start this story is that I took a pregnancy test on Thursday, but because it looked like it was going to be negative I just put it away and ignored it.

Saturday I was in so much pain I literally thought something had exploded inside of me. When I was getting more toilet paper out from under the sink, I accidently grabbed the pregnancy test from Thursday. I was going to throw it out when OH MY GOD! I screamed for Simon. There was no way I was seeing a positive pregnancy test. But he clearly saw the positive as well. We were so confused. By this point I was seriously bleeding. My uterus=CSI crime scene. We basically decided that if I was pregnant I sure wasn't now and we went on our marry way.

Sunday morning at 3:30 am I had enough. Four advil, hot water bottles and relaxation breathing didn't even take the edge off. Simon was worried and I thought ectopic pregnancy. It was time to go to the Emergency Department. They were very sweet and attentive. The doctor even put in the my drip and drew my blood. Then they proceeded to clean my cervix to make sure nothing was stuck in it. They gave me LOTS of pain medication and my blood test came back not pregnant.

So we are DEFINITELY taking a break this month and will start back in January. I haven't really had time to digest it all yet. I am waiting for school to be over and then I am sure there will be some serious breakdown happening.

Vampire uterus eats me alive

Well, after spending 24 hours at school, interviewing 5 people, and sleeping on the library floor for the second grade sleep over, I am done! On top of it all it was clear that this attempt has failed. If yesterday wasn't day 1 than today definitely is! This is horrific! I have never been in this much pain before. I could/have actually cried! Is this normal? Has anyone had the worse period on the planet after an iui? I am seriously close to going to the emergency room. Now we just have to decide if we want to squeeze in another round before Christmas. Okay I am typing this from the iPhone and have to die now.