Hello New Year!

Happy New Years!

I can't believe it's 2012 already. I am pretty sure I said that last year when it was 2011. I am seriously ready for 2012 and to kiss 2011 good bye. It was a tough year for us pretty much all around. Instead of focusing on what happened or didn't happen, I am going to try and focus on the positives.

1. I got to go back to the states and spend quality time with my momma.

2. My job became permanent and my own!

3. We had the opportunity to continue trying to get pregnant.

4. We have some amazing friends and family.

Number five would have to be my amazing husband. Yesterday, I got the surprise of my life outside of winning the lottery or having a positive pregnancy test. My honey planned for us to spend New Years Eve in the city at a very nice hotel (Crown Metropole). We had a beautiful view of the city from the 22 floor. He even arranged for a bottle of french champagne to be brought up to the room.

It was really exciting to get all dressed up and go out for dinner. I think that was the only bad part as well. Lots of the restaurants had set menus that started at about $150 a person. I like eating out but I don't like it that much. We ended up at one of our favorite restaurants The Pub at the casino. Which I was completely fine with because the food is yummy and quick!

After dinner we spent some time walking along the Yarra River (and we might have ate ice cream too). It was a beautiful night. It was still warm but not obnoxious and the trees all have white Christmas lights in them. We thought we would catch the 9:30 kids fireworks but we were in the wrong spot. We could hear them and barely see them between the buildings so we went back into the casino. We never really gamble when we are at the casino so we made an exception tonight. Simon played blackjack and I played slot machines.

After donating our money, we thought we would go get our positions for the midnight fireworks. We met up with Simon's brother and his girlfriend who were also staying the night in the city. The fireworks were really, really pretty and I am glad we stayed the night. I am pretty sure last night guaranteed we will be buying a king size bed.

This morning we met up with Simon's brother and the rest of the family to have lunch before driving back home. It was a truly fantastic way to say hello to 2012.

I have this feeling that this year is going to be our year. I am not saying we are going to get pregnant and have a baby. I just think that 2012 will make my family stronger.

Wishing you and your family a happy, healthy 2012!

e Valerie f

In 500 metres you will be totally LOST!

Yesterday, I lost my tiny mind BIG TIME. What was supposed to be an hour easy peasy journey turned into a two hour comedy sketch.

I hate hate hate driving. I have the attention span of a 5 year old and I get bored in the car easily. Plus I hate driving in Australia because I have no idea where I was going. I'm constantly afraid of getting lost and not being able to find my way back home without going 7 hours out of my way. So Sim bought me a GPS system for the car. I only use it when I am going to some place new for the first time. So the night before Sim plugged in the address of the beach house for me. He gave me quick directions like get on the Eastern take it ALL the way go through about 5 roundabouts. Shazam you are there!

Let me tell you it was not SHAZAM you are there. I turned it on and started following the directions about 30 minutes into the trip I was beginning to panic a little bit. It's sending me to the Monsah Freeway NOT the EASTERN! I should also mention we paid for me to travel on the Eastern. So I pulled over and did a quick check through the rest of the directions and not once did it mention the Eastern. I quickly called Simon.

Simon: What's wrong?

Me: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF CAMBERWELL AND NO WHERE NEAR THE EASTERN!!!

Simon: What?!

Me: Did you check the path before hand?

Simon: No I just assumed it would send you via the Eastern.

Me: WELL NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Simon: Well get on the Monash and it will take to you the Eastern than just stay on the Eastern and the gps will correct itself.

Well that seemed like a simple plan. I followed it for a while. Then something seemed a little fishy. GPS says I am 2 minutes away from my destination and I KNOW I am not in the right town. Pulled over and called Simon. The wrong house number and TOWN are in the GPS. Well, F@#*^(#*$&(*^#($*^#($*^(#*^$(#*^$(*^*@&%&^$!^%$@#^%K! It's a good thing I didn't knock on someone else's door. When I typed in the right address it said the street doesn't exist. Hmmm. I typed in a street I thought might be near by and it was in hindsight.

So by this time my friends are starting to worry about where I am. I fill them in and reassure I will be there shortly. I start driving and suddenly start to worry that I am not in the right location. My friend calls and I pull over to talk to her. I describe where I am and they are convinced I am lost. Hell, I thought I was too. I drive to a nearby carnival to meet them and follow them back. Turns out I was about 100 yards away from their house when I pulled over the last time. I find it wildly funny that I was describing what was around me and they didn't recognize it.

Oh well, I made it in the end and we had fun at the beach. Sadly I am enjoying a sunburn on the back of my shoulders where I couldn't reach with sunscreen. I am hoping the spray tan tomorrow might even me out a little bit. I am little nervous to get my first official (not done by me) spray tan. I hear they are wildly addictive.

The meaning of infertility

Between last night and this morning I have found a way to turn a horrible situation (infertility) into a terrific situation. I seriously think this could be the answer to all our infertility prayers. First, you might need a little background on what lead to this enlightened stage.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Simon began asking me if I had seen his car keys. The house was pretty clean and we still weren't able to find them. In fact they had been lost for a couple days now. If you read yesterday's post than you know the emotional temperature in the house. Simon started accusing me of having his keys as I stand there in a night gown with no pockets. Several narky comments were exchanged.

Then we were lying in bed and I was watching tv and he was on his iPhone (doing whatever the hell it is people do on iPhones). Well, there was nothing on tv so we put a dvd on. Our dvd player is stupid because you HAVE to use the remote. Where is the remote?

Simon: Where is the remote?

Me: I don't know.

Simon: You were the last one to watch a movie in here!

Me: Do you think I wouldn't give it to you if I had it?

Simon: (silence like he is afraid to say yes but really wants to)

Me: narky comment about where he could keep it from now on

Simon: returns narky comment about shoving it up my ....

Hallelujah!!!!!!! The clouds part and God bestows his blessings on me of my purpose in this infertile life!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Well, I'll just start storing things in my unused vagina! That way we will never lose anything. It's way better than pockets. Since I can't keep a human being up there I might as well keep your keys and the remotes up there. They are smaller than a baby anyways. It's perfect!

Simon: Stunned silence.

Me 1 Simon 0

So that is it! My perfect solution to being an infertile I will just start hiding shit up my lady business like a kangaroo! I would never need to worry about someone stealing my wallet ever again or having my car keys drop to the bottomless abbess that is my handbag. Not to mention is a quick solution to outfits without pockets. It might mean wearing a lot of skirts but those are semantics.

I think I am going to reward my good thinking by taking a trip to the beach today. Our friends have a beach house and go down every year for the week between Christmas and News Years. They invited us down but Simon is working this week, so we planned on me going down by myself sometime this week. But I think today is a perfect day to go. Tomorrow is supposed to be a lot warmer than today but I have a spa appointment tomorrow afternoon... so today is as good as any.

Have a fantastic day!

On the second day after Christmas my true love gave to me...

Anger seems to be the emotion of the day. I am not sure where it came from or why but I certainly know who it's directed at. Today is not a good day to be the husband. As he says, "I can't do anything right today!". One of my main complaints is CLOSE THE F-ING DISHWASHER!!!! It's not hard or complicated. You simply bend over and lift the door as you straighten up. I thought perhaps he would like me to draw him a diagram. I thought wrong. So to prevent stabbing "the man I love" I went to the pool.

Seriously ready to kick someone's ass. I drove an hour round trip for NOTHING!!! I had dreams of swimming my anger away only to be greeted with a sign that said the pool was closed until the 30th of December. Hmmm do you think you MIGHT WANT TO PUT THAT ON YOUR WEBSITE??!!! I checked the website for their special CHRISTMAS hours but they couldn't put that little factoid up?

Somewhere between the pool and home I knew what I needed to do. Take down the Christmas tree. Normally, I don't take the tree down until a couple days after New Years and only than because I don't have heart shape ornaments to decorate for Valentine's Day. But I pointed my anger towards the tree. I swiftly took off all the ornaments not even waiting to get the boxes down from the high shelf in the garage. I just piled them up on the couch. I was tugging lights off branches before Simon inquired about what I was doing. I thought it was very clear. Apparently, he didn't understand why but he helped anyways. Somehow I feel a little better.

So tonight I thought I would indulge in a little infertility blog reading. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!! It is just me or does everyone seem very black and white right now? Apparently lots of people have been successful. Yea to them! But this seems to bring up a little jealousness and hurry up January 9th so I can start again. It no longer seems to bring up the hope I used to get from reading others success stories. I secretly thinking I am looking for the magic formula that will get me pregnant.

The rest of the us out there (me included) seem to have failed this time around, and are in various stages of grief. I am pretty sure Christmas is not helping. What I don't get is what makes other people leave mean comments for someone? I haven't gotten any comments so I am not talking about me, but other blogs I visited. But even on my worst day I don't think I could say some the things these people have.

This leads to the BIG MISTAKE part. Is this what I might become? Will I become so angry and bitter and hurt that I will make horrible comments to another person I don't really know because they were successful? Will the sight of an ultrasound picture be grounds for declaring holy jihad? I sincerely hope not.

What I am actually feeling now is worried! I am very scared that I might not ever be pregnant. I am losing my confidence. I have this massive list of things I feel like I need to be doing yesterday. Acupuncture, fertility yoga, praying, charting (a non existent cycle) weight loss and more exercise etc. I am going to give up for tonight because the husband is making me angry again.

Our kitty LOVES his laser pointer! I am sure he would marry it if he could. Sim was playing with him (aka wear his little kitty britches out before bed) when Lucky ran over his foot trying to get to the red dot. He accidently scratched Simon's foot. I laughed because his reaction was funny and he chucked the toy at me. It dropped to the floor and broke! Now Lucky is pissed off too. He wants to finish playing and we have no laser pointer. What a bad, bad daddy!

Merry Christmas

I hope you all had a fabulous, festive Christmas! And I am very sorry for the long random post.

Our Christmas was mildly boring and very eventful. First, I just have to vent. I am not cool with the way we spend Christmas. First, Simon ALWAYS gets up early to the point where I think I married a 4 year old. Then we head over to his parent's house for lunch at 1:00(that turns into 2:00 by the time the food is finally cooked). Then we come back home so I can take a nap ( I DEMANDED a nap this year). Then we turn around and go back to his parent's house at about 5:30 so other family members can come for dinner. Does this seem stupid to anyone else????!!!! Two meals aside couldn't we just have lunch at 3:00 and then stay over until dinner???

When we went back over to his parent's house there was a storm on the horizon and lots of lightening. We sat out on their back patio watching it roll past. Well until the funnel cloud started to form over the house. Like a good midwesterner we stood outside filming with the iphone. Then the temperature dropped drastically. I suggested we go inside quickly and they started to argue. Then patio furniture took off Wizard of Oz style and everyone went inside.

It started to rain. Then marble size hail and then golf ball size hail. I had a white Christmas after all. It hailed and hailed and hailed. It hailed for a good 10-15 minutes which I think is highly unusual. Then it rained and rained and rained. The people behind Simon's parent's flooded.

Then we started to worry about our house. As we leave to check out our house the power goes out. Then we can't get into our house now. Simon took my house key off my keys and all I had was an electric garage door opener. We walked around the house to check the windows and went back. Have you ever had to entertain a 5 year old and 8 year old without toys, electricity or the ability to play outside? It's not fun!! I just kept focusing on my favorite present. My hubby got me some fantastic presents. My favorite by far was my Tiffany&Co. key. Only 3 years of hinting and some blatant pointing out in the store finally did the trick.

Here is a fun fact I found out on Christmas Eve as I was doing some last minute shopping. Simon's cousin had another baby 6 weeks ago. How the hell did anyone not think to tell us?! So we had some last minute baby/Christmas present shopping to do. I was sooooooo not okay with this. Number one... I just love when people say comments like "she was a total accident" etc. like having another child is an act of terrorism. Number two...I HATE HAATE HAAAATEEEEE shopping on Christmas Eve. Stores and malls are freaking NUTS! Which was just the right recipe for me to lose my tiny mind.

Before we left we walked into the grocery store to grab a few items. I was picking out cherries and I sent Simon to get bread. This involved him walking straight back from where I was to the back wall. I could see the bread from where I was. I got my cherries and walked to the bread. No Simon. I looked around the rest of the fruit and veggie area. No Simon. About a bizillion other people and their psychotic offspring but no Simon. I walked to the next aisle to see if he was there. NO SIMON!!! I stood next to the bread just mere seconds from hyperventilating. I was trapped by people and shopping carts. Just as I was about to cry Simon finally appeared with the bread. Apparently he was in all the places I looked but just never saw him. Go figure!

Can I just say how excited I am to get started with the baby making again?!

Take 11!

I would need all ten fingers to count the number of times I have started a post but end up deleting it. Life continues to be a roller coaster of emotions with good days and bad days.

The best part is that I am exactly 2.5 hours from the finish line. My wonderful (at least for today) husband came in and graciously helped me pack up my classroom for 2 hours. I am not changing rooms (THANK GOD!) but I needed to take down displays and throw out some really heavy crap. I am already feeling better about walking back in the door in 6 weeks.

One thing I will really miss is my baby. She drives me crazy all day long following me around with books asking if she can read with me or if I will read to her. Her home life is a nightmare (literally!). I am pretty sure I will worry about her until next February.

This is what you find when you let a 7 year old hold your camera for a little bit.

I am at peace with not achieving the perfect Christmas this year (at least for the moment). I am trying to figure out what I did wrong this year so that I can do it better next year. That is all I can hope for right? I did go a baking spree this weekend. Seriously going to have to start wearing the fat pants.

A small sample of the 56 that adorn my dining room table. And it refused to rotate!

On the bad side my stomach is killing me. I am not very hungry and when I do eat I feel completely sick. I think it is all the crazy holiday food I have been eating.

We make our next baby appointment on January 9th which seems like ages away but in reality it's not that far off. Until than I will try my very best not to spend too much time obsessing but we all know how that is really going to go down.

M.I.A.

I apologize for being a little M.I.A. lately. I know I get really annoyed when I read someone's blog and they haven't update in ages. So if I have annoyed anyone I am very sorry. The truth is I am just trying to keep my head above water right now and I was never really good at swimming. Good intentions really do pave the road to disorganization.

The school year is wrapping up. I need to get portfolios done and clean up the classroom. We are celebrating the December holidays. I am trying to get a present together for my kiddos in the way of a movie with all the pictures of our year together. Oh don't forget parent helper gifts.

My own 5th circle of hell is trying to get ready for Christmas at home. I refuse to say anymore because I will just depress myself. At least the tree is up and some presents are underneath it.

On the infertility front...

My emotions are a roller coaster. BIG TIME!!! I think deep down in my core I'm okay with what happened. I am sure there was a very logical reason for why I started bleeding and I really don't want to over analyze it. Then I will literally be driving myself crazy and we all know I don't need any additional help in that department.

It's really the little things that are setting me off. Saturday night Simon had a staff only Christmas party which I didn't want to go to anyways. I was very happy sitting on my couch watching Polar Express. Well, until the end of the movie that is. Apparently, that was the tipping point for me. I turned into a sobbing, disgusting mess. The fact that another whole year had past by, we were still childless and I wasn't pregnant anymore really hit me hard. I suddenly didn't want to do gingerbread houses with my best friend's children the next day. I wanted to take the Christmas tree down. I didn't want to see anyone ever again. For the record I did the houses and we had a lot of fun. I just really wish I could be doing it with my own children in the not too distant future.

Yesterday, another couple just announced that they are pregnant. They have been married just over a year (insert bitter infertile here). Then a teacher told me how another at our school tried unsuccessfully for 16 years. I just wanted to wet my pants. I am completely freaking out. What i that is ME?!

Then the icing on the cake is that I had a dream that Simon made me take a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! Now the crazy part of me, that doesn't live too deep down, wants to go buy another box of pregnancy tests and TAKE ONE!!!! Medical professionals have already declared me unpreggers, but apparently that isn't enough to shut up the crazy! And even as I type I am completely questioning taking the month of December off. Why didn't we just go again?? Oh boy! I better go do something more productive.

Cycle Day 4

Here is an extremely long boring post about my weekend.

What you need to know before I start this story is that I took a pregnancy test on Thursday, but because it looked like it was going to be negative I just put it away and ignored it.

Saturday I was in so much pain I literally thought something had exploded inside of me. When I was getting more toilet paper out from under the sink, I accidently grabbed the pregnancy test from Thursday. I was going to throw it out when OH MY GOD! I screamed for Simon. There was no way I was seeing a positive pregnancy test. But he clearly saw the positive as well. We were so confused. By this point I was seriously bleeding. My uterus=CSI crime scene. We basically decided that if I was pregnant I sure wasn't now and we went on our marry way.

Sunday morning at 3:30 am I had enough. Four advil, hot water bottles and relaxation breathing didn't even take the edge off. Simon was worried and I thought ectopic pregnancy. It was time to go to the Emergency Department. They were very sweet and attentive. The doctor even put in the my drip and drew my blood. Then they proceeded to clean my cervix to make sure nothing was stuck in it. They gave me LOTS of pain medication and my blood test came back not pregnant.

So we are DEFINITELY taking a break this month and will start back in January. I haven't really had time to digest it all yet. I am waiting for school to be over and then I am sure there will be some serious breakdown happening.

Vampire uterus eats me alive

Well, after spending 24 hours at school, interviewing 5 people, and sleeping on the library floor for the second grade sleep over, I am done! On top of it all it was clear that this attempt has failed. If yesterday wasn't day 1 than today definitely is! This is horrific! I have never been in this much pain before. I could/have actually cried! Is this normal? Has anyone had the worse period on the planet after an iui? I am seriously close to going to the emergency room. Now we just have to decide if we want to squeeze in another round before Christmas. Okay I am typing this from the iPhone and have to die now.

Hope Is A Bitch I know

First, can I just say how much I hate that I don't have internet at home. We didn't get a phone book this year and I thought it was good because I would just have to recycle it or build a giant tower or something. Now it's HORRIBLE. Because when you don't have a phone book or the Internet you can't look up phone numbers.

Second I apologize for the awesome quality of the posts lately. Not my best work I know.

Now on to my frienemy Hope. Hope is beautiful and thin and everything that is right it world. She hops out of bed in the morning with nary a hair out of place or pillow wrinkles on her cheek. She never has to wear her fat jeans and everyone loves her.

What you may not know is Hope is a bitch! She makes you believe that your breasts feel like they are being ripped off because you are pregnant. She convinces you that you are utterly exhausted because you are jump starting human life in your uterus of doom. "The cramping and light spotting are implantation she," says. She has you thinking about the little baby that might be around for next Christmas and what you might name them. She gets you thinking about cute outfits and cuddles. But when Hope is wrong she is NO WHERE to be found. She never takes the blame. All along you try to not get attached. You try and hang out with your friend Realistic. Somehow she slowly creeps in.

So that is where I am at. I am seesawing between hope and certainty that this worked. Then I go crashing down wondering if the pilates I did last night hurt my chances because I am just a little bit crazy. I am so afraid of what will happen if this didn't work. I know what will happen but I am just not prepared for it. And stupid Hope has convinced I don't have anything to worry about.

Counting out my Crazytown bus money!

Well, my life has taken a turn for the crazy! And not the fun crazy I might add.

I currently don't have internet at home which is making for crazy times. Particularly when you want to blog but you can't. So please excuse my absence but I will make an effort to blog before I leave work.

I have currently stop bleeding and spotting. HALLELUJAH!!! But I am still having some cramping pain. Then there is the matter of the boobies. They still hurt like holy hell and I have started sleeping with a bra on at night. As a horrible side effect I now have the plague. I am sure this could be called other things in other places but at my house it's the horrible rash you get under your breast. Two of my bras seem to cause this but because I have 7 of the same colour I have a hard remembering which ones I can't sleep in are. Very gross I know. Sorry!

I am reading a gizillion job applications. Enough said!

And just sprinkle generously with baby obsessing, the desire to pee on home pregnancy tests, etc. Ya know all the normal stuff!

100!!

Today is my 100th post! Woot! Woot! Today is also Thanksgiving. And I feel like I have a lot to be thankful this year. Mostly that I had an opportunity to have a baby. I was able to travel home to the United States to see my family. I have a job that I adore (most days) and a beautiful house. My worries are pretty small compared to most.

Just a quick infertility update...

I seem to be traveling well. I am waking up at about 3:30 each morning feeling like I have been kicked in the ovaries or that they have declared war on me. I am still spotting???!!!! Today it seems to be lightening up. Can I find a way to twist this into implantation bleeding? Probably not. And can I just say OH MY WORD. My boobs HURT! The cat tried to snuggle on top of me this morning and the searing pain was second to none! Tomorrow I go to get a blood test. Not sure what for but I am all for finding out sooner rather than later.

Gobble 'til ya' Wobble!

And the surprise just keep coming.

Mission Accomplished! This morning we went in for our IUI. It didn't go as planned because it got pushed back this morning. It was not a big deal. We went to a local shopping centre (MY FAVORITE ONE!) while we waited. Sim got his much needed hair cut. We picked up a Christmas present and I got to roam around in Tiffany&Co.!!! I was feeling very excited about whole procedure and trying to keep a positive attitude.

When we got back Simon picked up the boys and we headed in. I got undressed and hopped up on the bed. Then we waited and waited and WAITED! Which left lots of time for talking. On a complete side note...why do people whisper in the doctor's office? It was literally him and me in a closed room with no one else around.

What did we talk about? Porn. I asked him if told his boys that today wasn't a drill and they were going live. He said he gave them a pep talk before he started. In a strange moment of being in a room with no pants on and a paper sheet wrapped around me I just had to ask "Did you need the porn to get the job done?". He said he didn't really get a choice. When he walked in the tv just started and it was like BAM! very in your face. However, he thought she was ugly. Thank goodness the doctor came in after because who knows where the conversation would have gone.

I won't walk you through the steps of the IUI (unless you are dying to know than leave me a comment) but they liken it to a pap smear. I wouldn't go with that analogy. Let's just say it hurt, momentarily, but still hurt. And SURPRISE!!! I have a tilted uterus. Now with all the people that have been up in my lady business why no one ever told us is beyond me. I have lots of other appointments and report writing to keep me company during the dreaded two week wait. I am very much on a roller coaster today of YEA! baby and this sucks it's not going to work no baby for you.

For right now the boys just need to keep swimming!

We are off to see the uterus...

We are off to see the uterus, the most wonderful uterus in OZ. Because, because, because, because, because....WE TRIGGER TONIGHT!

Yes, that is correct. There will be a party in my uterus on Monday. At first I was completely excited. I couldn't believe it. Finally my body is behaving (sorta, still spotting). And even if this fails (because yes, I am expecting it to) I am just thrilled that we had the chance to fail. I let myself get excited last night for 15 minutes. We even calculated the due date if this succeeds (early August).

So 12 hours later I'm quietly excited but not super confident. I am not even worrying about the 2 week wait at this moment, because I don't think I will even have to wait a week before the bleeding starts. I am super worried about what happens after I stop injections. What if these injections are what is saving this cycle? I guess only time will tell. And for right now I am going to let my ovaries do the happy dance that we are getting the chance to actually be pregnant.

Well, I didn't see that coming!

I had every intention of posting on Monday night but the day threw up a few curve balls and I wasn't ready to do anything other than eat cookies and cry.

So I went in on Monday completely ready to hear we were canceling the cycle. The bleeding had slowed down a little bit but was definitely still more than spotting. I was also determined to ask a few of the lingering questions I had from the weekend because I wasn't leaving without some answers darn it!!

The hardest part was I got there about 20 minutes early. I apparently don't do well in infertility waiting rooms. Number one I have to down about a bottle and half of water to get my veins to open up and actually have blood to retrieve. Even though I make sure I go to the bathroom before my appointment so I don't wet my pants, I still always feel like I have to pee the minute they insert the fairy princess wand!

Number two I have been seeing lots of skinny, cute infertile women waiting with their equally adorable supportive partner. And because I have issues, all I can think about is these people are SO getting pregnant in one cycle and probably only needed 25 IUs of Puregon. She will probably have cute adorable twins, only gain 10 pounds, wear expensive maternity clothes, never have a single stretch mark, and only be in labour for 3 hours. Yes, I clearly have major issues. But to add a shard of actual proof to my theory one of the girls was there for a beta test.

So if you survived all that and still reading then you are ready for the HUGE surprise. We didn't cancel the cycle! My ovaries of doom came to the party!!! Righty= two 11mm follicles. Apparently once they reach that stage they are said to be dominate follicles. So they took my hormone levels to measure for estrogen. My levels are still on the lower side but they are climbing.

We ended up increasing the Puregon to 125 IUs to try and stop the bleeding. Which hasn't really worked. They are very much scratching their heads trying to figure this out but I have to honestly say they are being amazingly supportive! Leith said she would gladly take my sleepless nights and stay up all night long for me so I could get some sleep. I go back early tomorrow morning to see what craziness is taking place in ovaries of doom. All I can pray for is the bleeding to stop and my eggs to keep growing. In the meantime I am going to continue to eat my cookies and attempt to do something other than sleeping or writing report cards.

If Found Please Call 555-7024

Last night was definitely not the highlight of my week. I contemplated deleting what I wrote yesterday but I am not. That was an honest, real moment of pain.

I would love to say today was better but the best I can say was I improved some. My tiny mind is still out there somewhere and if it doesn't come back by tomorrow than I may have to start posting Lost signs around the neighborhood.

We went over to my in-laws new house to help the landscape the backyard. I am not suppose to do much because I have lower back issues sometimes. Lifting and general hard labor is out for me (I have a note from my doctor to prove it!). That makes me site supervisor and I get to sit on the comfy patio chair observing. I did help some until I noticed that the more I assisted the worse my bleeding got.

Yep, that right folks. I have gone from spotting post scan to actually requiring a tampon. So I am pretty sure this cycle will be cancelled. Then we can put it in the major fail category. Not to mention in the back of my info book it says they cancel after 21 days and no major follicle development. My use by date is tomorrow unless my ovaries came to the party fashionably late.

When I realized this I cried. In front of Simon no less. Like BIG ugly crying. I don't think he knew what to do because got me ice cream. Then we drove past a school. I cried. We drove past it again on the way home and I noticed their sign was welcoming the new kindergarten kids to orientation for next year. I cried. Basically everything leads to crying or me wanting to kick someone in the ovaries.

Losing My Tiny Mind

I probably shouldn't be typing this right now but I seriously don't care!

I successfully drove to my appointment solo today. Yeaaaa me! Only to have a major traffic accident happen in front of the office. Then I had my scan. NOTHING! NADA! I can't be bothered counting the number of days right now but how the bloody hell can I not have anything growing but a trillion tiny eggs? And I knew I would be bleeding after she pulled the wand out because it was red. Then my next question is why didn't she say something? I totally had to ask!!! Then I really didn't get a satisfactory response. I didn't get much of a response at all. All I was told was that my levels are low. Complete random side note...apparently ever other single infertile gets to find out what the hell their levels are. I DON'T?? I am not sure what they are even testing for. I should probably ask but whatever... So it is time to take more blood. My freaking veins collapsed. It took three different people and they barely got enough. I found out this afternoon that I don't have to increase my dose. But nothing else.

So I am celebrating by drinking a bottle of champagne on my own. Well that is a bit of a lie. My in-laws got the keys to their new house and I took a bottle around to share with them. But I am finishing it off because they don't have a fridge to put it in yet.

I feel like a complete failure. I can't even do what other infertiles can do. I CAN'T GROW A FUCKING EGG! My damn cat is probably the closest I am ever going to get to my own damn child. It's killing me. I get up at 5 in the morning to be told I am a failure. I spend all day long with other people's fucking children. I have spent all week with people asking me if I have seen Anna's baby and how she is doing. I am tired of the vertigo and the injections. I am doing all the right things!!! I am eating healthier, not drinking caffeine and taking the stupid prenatal vitamins. WHY?! What is the fucking point?

Simon should have married someone else. He would have had children by now. She could have been Australian and then there wouldn't have been cultural clash issues. He wouldn't have to spend money sending her back to America. And maybe he would have found her attractive. Because I am pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I am bloated and just plain fucking fat to start with. I have to shave the fucking hair off my chin. I don't even want me.

One hour and 10 minutes of sanity?

Just a very quick update before I go to bed. At 7:50 pm my head finally cleared and the vertigo vanished. At 8:00 pm I dialed up my next dose of Puregon. And at 9:00pm I said hello to my good friend vertigo.

I will be totally honest that I am deathly afraid that nothing is going on in the ovaries of doom and I have to drive there myself. I am taking a small amount of comfort in that the kitty has been quiet this evening and one of my favorite episode of Friends is on ( I love the Thanksgiving ones). I did spend a little bit of time indulging in some of my favorite infertility blogs to just reassure myself that yes, everyone has been in my position and I am not alone.

Oh and one of my coworkers today told me she had a dream that I had TRIPLETS! HA HA HA!!! That is not a dream that is a nightmare. That is a step of scary above my ovaries doing nothing and just below never getting pregnant.

State of the Union Update

Things seem to be looking up a little today. I don't feel like constantly crying or kicking

puppies.

I have been talking to the follicles and trying to encourage them to grow but so far the only thing I feel is vertigo. I get to be the lucky 1% that gets to experience vertigo as a lovely side effect of the Puregon.

I'm just trying to take it easy tonight (not really getting a choice with the vertigo) and I am hoping to get a decent amount of sleep tonight. I am almost tempted to go sleep in the guest bed to guarantee it. I am starting to feel like I am burning the candle at both ends. It's pretty sad when 6:30 becomes sleeping in.

I also have one very rambunctious kitty at home. Biting apparently is the name of the game tonight. I am hoping now that he has gone a few rounds with the kangaroo he will settle down. I am certainly ready to settle down and listen to the rain pounding my roof and windows. Is there anything more relaxing?

Large Crater

When I started all this I promised myself that I would not write post after post where I complained or was negative. I told myself in the states that I wasn't going to focus on this and enjoy my life. I LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hurting right now. On Monday, Simon really hurt me. He has been going with me to my appointments because I don't feel confident enough to drive myself there given that its 1.5 hours away. On the way there he said to me that he was just going to sit in the car because it's not like anything would have happened anyway. OUCH!

Of course as luck would have it I actually went backwards. How can I go backwards??!! On Thursday, Leith said I had a couple that looked like they were maturing. On Monday, Susan only found "a gazillion" tiny ones on each side. What happened to my maturing eggs??!!!

Now my number is 100 IU. I'm double what I started at. Between hearing that, what Simon said, and seeing the waiting room full of skinny infertiles I have been really upset. Going to work everyday feels like 21 little slaps in the face. I am so jealous of Anna right now. Even the one of the girls in my pilates class rocked up with her cute 4 month pregnancy belly (I didn't know she was pregnant and she hasn't been there so it was a surprise).

I am scared. Really scared. I always thought even if Clomid fails (and boy did it!) that I could move onto IUI. IUI and Puregon were the big guns. How could I fail? How could my wonky body not step up and start behaving more normally? And now that even IUI seems no match for the ovaries of doom, I am crushed. Yes, I realize I am being a bit premature in the fail department but it's my infertility and I can cry if I want to!

I want the cute belly. I want to say that I carried my baby. I want to feel him or her from the inside. I want to be able to do what everyone else seems to be able to do effortlessly. I am so scared that I will never get that chance. And that leads to thinking about what I did wrong. Whether you believe in karma, destiny, God etc. I constantly over analyze what I could have done differently. Yes, there are probably half a million people out there right now that would kill to have my problems. People with 3 year old children who have brain cancer or children in the NICU. People without jobs or in abusive relationships etc.. I am very aware that my life is the garden of eden compared to lots. And that makes me feel even worse.

The truly pathetic part of all this is I am crying because I can't remember everything I wanted to say in this post. I'm crying because it doesn't sound a smooth and eloquent as I wanted it to sound. I am mentally and physically wore out that the moment. I am really struggling and at a lose of what to do now.