M.I.A.

I apologize for being a little M.I.A. lately. I know I get really annoyed when I read someone's blog and they haven't update in ages. So if I have annoyed anyone I am very sorry. The truth is I am just trying to keep my head above water right now and I was never really good at swimming. Good intentions really do pave the road to disorganization.

The school year is wrapping up. I need to get portfolios done and clean up the classroom. We are celebrating the December holidays. I am trying to get a present together for my kiddos in the way of a movie with all the pictures of our year together. Oh don't forget parent helper gifts.

My own 5th circle of hell is trying to get ready for Christmas at home. I refuse to say anymore because I will just depress myself. At least the tree is up and some presents are underneath it.

On the infertility front...

My emotions are a roller coaster. BIG TIME!!! I think deep down in my core I'm okay with what happened. I am sure there was a very logical reason for why I started bleeding and I really don't want to over analyze it. Then I will literally be driving myself crazy and we all know I don't need any additional help in that department.

It's really the little things that are setting me off. Saturday night Simon had a staff only Christmas party which I didn't want to go to anyways. I was very happy sitting on my couch watching Polar Express. Well, until the end of the movie that is. Apparently, that was the tipping point for me. I turned into a sobbing, disgusting mess. The fact that another whole year had past by, we were still childless and I wasn't pregnant anymore really hit me hard. I suddenly didn't want to do gingerbread houses with my best friend's children the next day. I wanted to take the Christmas tree down. I didn't want to see anyone ever again. For the record I did the houses and we had a lot of fun. I just really wish I could be doing it with my own children in the not too distant future.

Yesterday, another couple just announced that they are pregnant. They have been married just over a year (insert bitter infertile here). Then a teacher told me how another at our school tried unsuccessfully for 16 years. I just wanted to wet my pants. I am completely freaking out. What i that is ME?!

Then the icing on the cake is that I had a dream that Simon made me take a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! Now the crazy part of me, that doesn't live too deep down, wants to go buy another box of pregnancy tests and TAKE ONE!!!! Medical professionals have already declared me unpreggers, but apparently that isn't enough to shut up the crazy! And even as I type I am completely questioning taking the month of December off. Why didn't we just go again?? Oh boy! I better go do something more productive.