Winner!

If you put your money on me losing my tiny mind on Wednesday you were right. It was messy. I yelled, I cried, I lost my shit. In fact I am still losing my shit. I am going to bed now because I have totaled like 11 hours of sleep in the past 2 days.

Now accepting bets

So this post is not related to infertility at all but exactly when I will lose my tiny mind this week! Today feels like the start of a giant race and Friday is the finish line. The only question remaining is how the hell am I going to hold it all together. Here is how my week is shaping up:

Monday

Teach-making sure I have everything I need but I won't have my computer

Help another teacher but this clashes with our fortnightly team meeting

Figure out how my reports are getting on the program-hello IT support.

Proofread Anna's report/figure out how get my reports to Sharon to proof read

Finish hanging the art show

Eyebrow wax?

Tuesday

Still working on the reports and proofreading

Finish hanging the art show

Make something for morning tea

Cut up a crap load of veggies for the art show

Pilates

Wednesday

Make sure Simon is ready for the Gold Coast

Figure out how we are getting him the Gold Coast

ART SHOW

Begin packing for the weekend

Thursday

Get Simon to the airport?

Wash the car

Pack for the weekend

Friday

Fabulous Food Feast aka cooking with first graders!

Head to Ocean Grove with the girls!

It does but it doesn't seem like a lot. My problem is going to be organization, sleep and letting go of the perfection...basically everything! Not to mention fitting in all normal life stuff like trying to eat healthier, keeping my house clean, laundry and actually relaxing. So it really is anyone's guess about when I will lose my tiny mind or how many times I will lose my tiny mind. Right now my money is on Tuesday night.

It's my blog and I will complain if I want to!

Take the title as the warning. If you would prefer not to listen me to whine and complain than this is a post for you to skip.

I am starting to feel a strange kin to Alexander from Alexander and Horrible Terrible No Good Very Bad Day. My internet is not working at school. The result is I get a million and seventy-two emails a day that go unanswered. This in turn makes me look like a complete and utter ass-hat! I can't forward on the list of who is bring what to the Art show. I can't forward on the labels for everyone to complete for Art Show. Parents are emailing me. It feels like a million and seventy-two things.

I get up at 6:15 but am awake from 5:00 am! just because I am worried about all the things I need to do and am afraid I will forget to do. I am sure this is making me a crappy teacher. I know it's making me a crappy wife. My cat has even seem to find a way to complain loudly that I am not paying attention to him.

Sadly still trying to write the other sections of the reports and sucking at it big time.

And somewhere in what is left of my tiny mind that hasn't completely melted and oozed out my ear all I can think about is how the heck am I supposed to do this with a kid?! I am in need of some devine intervention or a personal assistant. God knows I could use a day off.

I am seriously trying to keep my eyes on the prize:

Next week I can teach Penguin week which will rock!

My reports will be finished and I won't have to worry about it for a long time.

Science Day which is always fun and exciting!! Not to mention I get to dress up.

Art Show will be finished but awesome!!

I will be closer to my appointment with Dr. Weston.

Boredom leads to blogging

So I wrote this whole post then deleted it. It was crap and I spent the majority of it whining. The moral of this story is I need to find a better way to spend my time than being on the internet feeling sorry for myself.

Bottom Line- I WANT A BABY! I am willing to work hard and I am tired of waiting. Now I am going to take a little mental vacation and pretend I am here instead of where I actually am.

Costco...an infertile woman's heaven

I will admit I didn't want to write reports today. In fact I am contemplating giving it my best half assed effort and calling it a day. So this morning I was totally up for a long trip to a book sale and Costco.

Costco is a mecca for me. It's familiar and sells American products. Where else in Melbourne can you get lunch for $8 and that feeds 2 people? We go about 3-4 times a year depending on needs or taking friends etc. About a year ago my brother and sister in law got nice sweatpants/trackpants there and I felt the need to get some. I found this to be the prefect excuse to go to Costco. Sadly I didn't get any because they didn't have any I liked. But I did manage to get enough toilet paper to survive any short term emergency crisis.

Paper plates are a huge joke in our house since my family was out in December. A couple months earlier I bough paper plates foreseeing I wouldn't want to do a lot of dishes. Then Simon went while they were here and thought we were out of paper plates. That is how I ended up with over 500 paper plates at my house. I have used them at every available opportunity and still haven't run out. However, this didn't seem to stop us from buying more today. We are set for clean plates if we happen to never be able to wash dishes for the next couple of months.

One of my favourite reason for going to Costco is beauty/health/cleaning products are such a great buy. Trash bags don't go bad and I have found it just easier/cheaper to buy in bulk. The best deal hands down by far is shaving cream. I haven't figured out why yet but a bottle of shaving cream in a supermarket is like $8 on sale. At Costco you can get 3 cans for $12!!! WOOHOO!

Now if you have survived this long you will understand the title of this post. For years now whenever we have walked down the health aisle we have always giggled at the massive box of condoms. Then being equally opportunist that we are we giggle at the massive box of pregnancy tests. I have always said "who needs to buy pregnancy tests in bulk?". YEP MEEEEEEEEEE!! At $5 a test I can pee to my heart's content! Then became the question of how many do you buy. Let's just say I didn't buy enough if I thought atomic armageddon was happening but I am set for a little while.

I still reserve the right to giggle about the massive box of condoms!

Missing In Action...My Tiny Mind

So life has been a combination of boring but stressful. I am not sure how those two things go together but apparently in my world they do. I am still stressed out trying to write reports and do justice to each child in my class. Realistically I am sure every parent just quickly skims over the words I spend so much time and energy writing. As a result all my evenings are spent working on them instead of relaxing, cooking or house cleaning. The consequence of leaving Simon in charge of those things is that they usually don't happen leaving me even more stressed. It's a horrible cycle of stress.

A long time ago I signed up for a Professional Development that was last Thursday with Sharon and Anna. It was free with dinner and the topic seemed relevant at the time so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Afterwards we stood around in the parking lot discussing all the craziness going down at school because Sharon has been home sick and her little girl has the chicken pox. Then after Anna went home we started talking about the craziness in our personal lives. Some how the topic of my infertility came up and I started to cry. I lost it right there and then in a public parking lot. It all came flooding out and not just the infertility things. I was a hot mess.

A small part of my sanity seems to have returned to allow me to function at the most basic level. Here is a funny story to emphasis just how far gone I am. At school we tell the kids to sit with the 6 L's basically sit nicely with your hands in your lap and shut up. Well at about 3:30 am between Thursday and Friday Lucky was snuggling up to my neck. It wasn't comfortable and I wanted him to stop so I said "Lucky 6 L's!".

In an effort to put off report writing I did some online research about IUI and IVF. I am pretty sure I shit a kitten when I saw the out of pocket costs. Simon has had a constant headache since. I should probably take myself down to the street corner to start earning the money. Better yet I could take my left over metformin and try to sell it on the street as clomid.

Craziness

Today felt completely crazy. I am still trying to write reports and my to do list is growing exponentially. I decided not to go to pilates tonight to try and get on top of it all. I am exhausted and probably going to be up until 12 am at this right.

My favourite part of day is I feel FAT. I don't mean a little bloated. I mean Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man fat! I am sure my bloated fat rolls have bloated fat rolls. I scare small children and men without balls! I am not sure how this works. Generally when I am home by myself or even with Simon, I never feel fat. I feel like a size 12 until I leave the house. And today all I had to do was look in mirror. So now I feel completely guilty about eating pretty much anything and skipping pilates.

I made a doctor appointment today but the first available appointment that matches my availability is July 8th! WOOT WOOT! Nothing like wasting a month. I guess it gives me plenty of time to save save SAVE. I am wondering if I should go to my regular doctor and get birth control pills. I have read that lots of people go on birth control pills for a month or 2 before embarking on the next stage.

Okay well enough relaxing. Back to work!!

And now for something completely different!

Last night we finally we able to have our friends over for a card night. We had a lot of fun. Well, at least Simon and I did. I would love to think that our friends had fun too. Anna and Patrick didn't stay the night because Anna is pregnant and can't drink. I made sure to have lots of chocolate on hand though! Jim and Sharon stayed but had to get up early this morning to take kids to sports practices. Lots of alcohol was consumed and everyone behaved themselves. It was amazing to just forgot about everything that has been going on and just enjoy the important people in my life.

In a couple of weeks the girls are going down to Ocean Grove to have a girl's weekend. I am hoping spending time with my friends will bring me back from the edge of insanity. Or it will send me over the edge in spectacular style. I am firmly stuck in report card writing. It's an all consuming task as I try to write a page about what each child can do, new goals, what strategies I will use and what parents can do at home. I can only write about 6 comments before I lose my will to continue.

Today I focused on writing math comments while Simon went over to his parents' house to mow the lawn. His parents are still overseas and it's our turn to have dinner. Thank god my house was already clean from last night. I took the easy way out and made a crock pot meal. I love that I can throw all the ingredients in and walk away. It will make enough for left overs and it's good comfort food since it's cold outside.

And now for more of the same...

Tomorrow I am going to call the doctor for an appointment to discuss joining the IUI program. I am hoping that we can get this underway and start during the next school break in about 4 weeks.

While I am completely okay with moving on, Simon doesn't seem to be as okay. The other day he got quite upset about us not being able to do this the conventional way. I don't want him to feel bad or be upset but it is comforting to know I am not alone in all this.

The Wait Is Over

Tonight I got the results of my ovulation check. The wait is over and yet is still just beginning. I didn't ovulate. I am no closer to a child than I was back in April or even January. The only thing I have learnt is Clomid kicked my asss.

The doctor is willing to increase the prescription but after my last run in at the pharmacy I don't want to. I also don't think my body could handle another round. I think I pretty much had every side effect last time. Simon thinks quitting Clomid is a mistake and we should increase to 200mg. The only way I am increasing is to 200mg is if large quantities of infertile woman come forth to tell me their children were conceived on 200mg.

So I guess if we want to continue it's on to IUI. I am not remotely excited by this due to the injectables and the cost. Not to mention another doctor's appointment to get referred to the university's program. And I am sure there will be initial consultations and time off work so it will cost even more than originally thought. I just feel so disheartened right now.

If anyone is reading this who is or has been in this position I would love to know what you've done.