Now the waiting starts

This morning I went to the doctor to have my blood test to check for ovulation. Who doesn't love getting up early on a Saturday morning when you can sleep in? The clinic is first come first serve on Saturday, and previous experience has told me I need to be first one there. Well, I guess word got out because when I got there I was lucky number 13.

I had to wait for about an hour and half. Not horrible because they actually had recent magazines to read. I am now well informed on Pippa Middleton's diet and the exercises I can do to get her ass. I am pretty sure the only way I am getting Pippa's ass is to cut out the picture from the magazine and paste it on.

To add to the mystery that is my body I have no veins. I am sure I do have veins because the blood seems to circulate through my body and I am alive, but doctors and nurses hunt for them like pirates following a treasure map. There is nothing like being infertile to require numerous blood tests and IVs. So before any blood test I sit in the car and down about 2 bottles of water. So by the time they called number 8 I thought I was gonna wet my pants. Since I wanted so long it didn't really matter anyway. The nice lady couldn't find my veins and had to take the blood from my hand.

So now the waiting begins. I will call the doctor on Tuesday to find out if I ovulated than it's just 4 mind numbing days to wait until I can pee on another sick. In the mean time I have report cards to be writing and a whole stack of new recipes to try. It's not like I eat my emotions or anything. I really feel like a nap right now so I am going to be nice to me and take one.

Wicked!

What do the Wicked Witch of the East and I have in common? EVERYTHING! We are one in the same. I am 100% sure my student teacher thinks I flew home on my broom tonight. I am moody and snapping at everyone. Poor Simon is wearing most of it. We are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms at the moment. It's a long story but I am sure if I told it you would see it my way too. I also feel like someone has dropped a house on me.

Tonight I am drinking and quite a bit, too. I rarely drink. I have a glass of wine every now and then but tonight I might as well be bathing in it! The fun part is I DON'T CARE. I am sooo tired and sooo over it all.

Simon is sick and we have only had sex 2 times this cycle. WOOHOO we are really going to get pregnant. I have put myself through all this crap basically for nothing. Today is cycle day 19 and after talking to the doctor tonight I don't think I even ovulated. Which I am starting to think is a good thing because I feel very overwhelmed by life right now. I am seriously starting to question how fit I am to be someone's mommy.

I just need to scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you give an infertile woman hope...

There are an incredible series of books out there by Laura Numeroff. Her first book was If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. The whole series is based on cause and effect. If you give a mouse a cookie chances are he will want a glass of milk to go with it. If you give him a glass a milk he will ask for a straw. You get the idea.

Well I have the best idea ever for a sequel appropriately titled If You Give An Infertile Woman Hope. I am sure it would go something like this. If you give an infertile woman hope she will take infertility medication. Then she will start counting and obsessing over cycle days. When she is charting her cycle days she will make her husband have sex even if he doesn't want to. Then she will go out and buy pregnancy tests. She will pee on a pregnancy test and wait for the results. Then she will take another test just to make sure. You get the idea.

So I haven't given up hope yet but did I get another negative this morning for ovulation. Not as okay with that today. I am starting to get a little impatient with the baby business. According to the online calculator things...tomorrow is O Day as in ovulation.

I was supposed to go to Sharon's house tonight but her little boy got chicken pox. That's another games night cancelled. Now I don't have anything better to do than to surf the internet and continue to get my hopes up that this cycle will work. I made a doctor's appointment for Wednesday because if my symptoms aren't for pregnancy I would like them to disappear thank you very much.

In a completely random thought...I need a prettier blog design.

Lucky Cycle Day 13

I haven't seen the return of my tiny mind yet. The insanity continues. Yes, this morning I got up at 6:00 am! to pee not only on 1 but TWO sticks. Of course the result of the pregnancy test was negative. The result of my ovulation prediction was negative as well. I did see a faint second line but that is still negative according to these lovely people.

Anywho, apparently 2 negative results haven't dampened my GIMMIE A BABY mood!!! Well it had a little help. So last night I woke up in agonizing pain. I seriously felt like someone had shot me in the butt cheek!! Simon tried to massage the cramp. I tried to "walk it off" leaving a little kitten to think play time. So I hobbled to work this morning and tried to get an appointment with my Dr.. Well she had the nerve to fracture her collarbone. Doesn't she know I refuse to see anyone else?!

As I was on the phone with office, Anna (pregnant) and Julie (has a child) came in to the staff room. I told them I had this huge cramp and Anna started smiling. Apparently she has been having the same issues. I said "Look silly peoples. Don't drink the kool-aid! I is not preggers. The test this morning said so." To which they respond I might have a false negative. Julie had a couple false negatives before positives. Anna might have had a false negative?

So here I am. Excited and wanting a baby. Perfectly happy to continue with infertility treatments just as long as I get a cutey baby at the end of it. Yes, I want it to be healthy but I want it to be cute. Life is far too long when you're ugly. Yes, I am going to hell but I am blaming it on lack of tiny mind. I digress...

As further proof of just how far I have fallen I sent Simon out for milk and pregnancy tests. I find it hilarious that the man couldn't buy a condom when we first started dating but he freely makes trips to buy pregnancy tests now. Oh how far you have come. Now I am going to make chocolate pudding for dinner because apparently tonight is possibly the end of the world? I am not going to die without having dessert!! Then I will most likely take one of my three brandy new home pregnancy tests and pee on it!

Again!

Tonight at approximately 6:00pm I lost my tiny mind....AGAIN! It was one of those days I could completely see it coming.

It all started last night. I felt like I was constantly getting up (3 different times) to use the bathroom. I normally go after I feed the cat before I crawl back in bed but this felt excessive. Then I started to wonder "hmmm could I be pregnant?"

Then a very nice teacher at work asked how I was doing. I said I was feeling tired and he said I looked tired!!!!! Now match that with the fact that I fell asleep at the drop of a hat last night 3 different times starting at 8:00. I haven't been over doing it because I am not doing most of the teaching. First, I thought "could I have mono?" Second thought was I am pregnant.

Tonight as Simon was picking me up from work all I wanted to do was spew chunks! Sudden nausea. The tiny (hippo sized!) delusional thoughts began. What if I was pregnant from the last cycle and the home pregnancy tests just weren't showing up positive yet? Oh MY GOD!! I took Provera to give me my period. I just took another massive round of Clomid!! What could I have done to my unborn child? Yes notice at this point I am convinced I am pregnant.

So Simon heads off to get his hair cut. I head off to find a Sprite and pee stick. Yes, at 6:00pm this very evening I bought yet another First Response Home Pregnancy Test. I guess my only saving grace is that I haven't used it yet. My plan is use it tomorrow when I do my ovulation prediction pee stick! Why pee on 1 when you can pee on 2?! If one bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush that what is the home pregnancy test equivalent?

Now because this story is too good to be true...

Due to my home pregnancy test addiction, I am very knowledgeable in the location of such devices. They're trusty location can be found between the Advil and tampons. Some stores are between the tampons and the diapers... logical if you think about it.

So I was feverishly searching in the proper location. What NO pregnancy tests?!!? This can't be. I walked up and down the aisle like a caged tiger ready to pounce. Seconds from causing an international incident an older gentleman (early 60's?) took a few steps to the left. BINGO! With no concern for him I quickly reached around and grabbed my coveted pack. Oh, I should mention Simon was with me now.

With the test safely in my hands I proceed to take in the rest of the scene. The older gentleman is surveying the condoms. Picking different packages up and reading the box then returning them to the shelf. We share a silent giggle and walk towards the register. Simon says, " Do you think we wants to make water balloons?". Images of a vigara induced weekend of old wrinkle sex flashes through my mind. EWWW!

Not more than 2 minutes later the older gentleman is one lane over purchasing not 1 but THREE BOXES of condoms. I am not talking small boxes with a few in each. TWENTY-FOUR!!!!! I seriously hope he doesn't put a hip out. To make matters even funnier... his keychain said Mr. NOISY!!!

Blah!

Well, I am definitely feeling better than I did over the weekend. I still feel blah and not sure of myself. I am completely on edge and ready to lose my tiny mind at the drop of a hat! I really don't have anything other to say. We have entered the 4th annual baby make-athon for May 2011! Had to break out the chocolate syrup to keep the momentum going. Not sure how I am going get the mood going tomorrow night.

I've got the funk!

I am not sure I can form coherent thoughts for this post but here it goes!

I don't know if this is a side effect of Clomid but I am in a deep funk. So deep I want to be done and feel mildly at peace with the whole thought. I am tired of doing this day in and day out. I am tried of counting cycle days, getting my hopes up for phantom symptoms, and pretending that I am okay with everything!

I just want to get on with my life. I can't possibly imagine the pain and heartache others have dealt with while enduring years of infertility. Especially those that end up "empty handed". If they could go back in time, would they change things? Would they "cut their losses" and move on before they sunk more time, money, and heartache in?

I am so tired of crying. I am so tired of thinking why me. I am not a person who takes NO for an answer when I want to achieve my goal. But for the very first time I am starting to question myself. At what cost do I want a baby? What would I trade for it? My marriage? My health? My sanity?

Last night I told Simon that I wanted to be done. Apparently he is not okay with that. In fact he got very angry at the thought of giving up. He has been incredibly sweet today. He has tried his very hardest to clean up the house and do laundry today. I am very grateful! I pretty much spent the day in bed and slept a lot.

I took my last dose of Clomid tonight. I am tempted to say my last dose ever but I can't make that call yet. I am not sure what tomorrow holds in store for me, but hopefully it's answers.

Hope Raising

A tiny bit of hope started to creep in tonight. I typed in the first day of my last menstrual cycle into a pregnancy calculator to find out what make due date would be if I got pregnant this cycle. Very dangerous to increasing my hope that this will be the month.

Well, we stopped by the pharmacy on the way home. It was bucketing down. I swear animals were starting to line up two by two. I didn't really want to go in and get them but I did. Just before I got out of the car, I told Simon "If I am not out in 5 minutes come in because I will have hostages." I explained to the nice lady behind the counter what I needed. The pharmacist was a little backed up so I paced the area. Pharmacy guy had to check how many I needed. Seriously!!! It's a good thing we don't trust them to dispense life altering medications! Counting to 5 is doctorate level stuff. I did get my second pack. Just as I was heading to the door...Simon walks in to make sure I wasn't holding hostages.

What's the current street value of Clomid?

Well I would officially love to call today a do over but I am afraid I would have to relive it! I am still suffering from the awesome cold crap. I have made the ultimate decision to go to the doctor on Friday if this continues.

Today was my student teacher's full day of teaching. She tried her hardest and I soooooo wanted her to succeed but it was 3/4 hot mess 1/4 awesomeness. I ended up making her cry which made me feel like shit. I have such a strong passion for teaching and learning. I truly want to help student teachers find their way.

Okay if you listened to all that bullshit you are probably wanting to hear some infertility updates! Today is cycle day 4 in case you lost count. A fully grown wildebeest decided to escape my uterus of doom feet first. Resulting in a massive amount of bleeding and cramping.

I started my Clomid last night but it was adventure in and of itself. We had Open House last night at school so I was there until 8:00 pm! Gotta love 12 hour days. After work, Simon stopped by the pharmacy on the way home. There was no one in there! All I could think was YES! I am going to get in and out of here and be home very very soon. Then God parted the sky pointed his finger at me and proceeded to roll on the floor laughing his ass off.

You should probably know the cast of characters: well first me! Then young girl pharmacist and old guy pharmacist. Girl pharmacist looks at script walks over to Old Guy. They mumbled something and both look at me. CRAP!!! Then Old Guy types on the computer. He grabs the script and walks over. Why did it have to be Old Guy? Why couldn't it have been the hopefully understanding Girl?

Old Guy: What did the doctor tell you about your prescription?

Me: 150 mg cycle day 3-7.

Old Guy: That is a lot to be taking.

Me: Well you see I AM INFERTILE!!! My ovaries fucking hate me!! I WANT A GOD DAMN BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay maybe it was more like Me: Yes, I know.

Old Guy: Okay. And he starts to walk away.

God knows why I said....

Me: We are actually increasing the dose from last time.

I seriously thought he shit a kitten in his sansabelt pants.

Now a fertile person would think the story is finished here but it doesn't. It wasn't near enough humiliation because I have now been in the pharmacy for 10 minutes and I am no longer alone.

Old Guy gives the Girl my prescription and she "tries" to fill it.

Old Guy: We can't fill your prescription.

Me: What?! Why? (Did I just go through the previous conversation for fun?)

Old Guy: Because you are on such a high dose we don't have enough medication. Since you are horrible and undeserving of children. (He might not have said the last part, but everyone looking at me made me feel that way)

Me: Is there nothing you can do? I am on cycle day 3 so I REALLY need it. ( I start thinking of corners in the city where I can get 3 pills of Clomid. What is the street value of 150 mg of Clomid?)

Old Guy: Let me see.

1o more minutes go bye. People come and go. I wait.

Old Guy: I can give you ten pills now.

Everyone stares at me like I just asked for 40 pills of vicodin or oxycotin.

Me: What about the rest?

Old Guy: We would have to get another shipment in. Thursday afternoon I could have the rest.

Me: Gimmie. Gimmie. Gimmie.

Old Guy: I am putting a note in you file. Come get the rest on Thursday.

I carry the prescription to the cash register.

Teenage girl: It says two boxes and there is only one.

Me: Yeah, I am on massive unheard of amounts of Clomid. Apparently keeping more than one box in the store results in the federal police raiding the store looking for meth labs.

Teenage girl: Sooo.... insert confused look.

Me: I am going to come back on Thursday and pick up the rest of my prescription and proceed to sell it on the street.

Teenage girl: Okay.

So the moral of that story is 35 minutes in a previously empty pharmacy leaves you feeling like pill pushing druggie. Can't wait to see what happens when I try to pick up the rest of the pills.

Cycle Day 3 aka 3 circle of hell

I haven't really googled it or asked my friends but cycle day 3 is the worst! Only second to cycle day 4. I get cramps so bad it feels like my uterus is trying to contain the cast of River Dance. Either that or I am trying to birth a hippo. Cycle day 3 is just everything wrong with getting your period. I was so excited to have to suck in my massive bloated tummy to fit in my pants this morning. I did finally get rid of the cramping but it took Codeine! However, I get to start clomid today...WOOT WOOT! Bring on the hot flashes and grumpy mood.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is/was today. Today is normally the high holy black holiday on the calendar. Today is like a giant slap in the face. To me it's not Mother's Day. It's You Don't Deserve A Child You Fat Ignorant Infertile Cow Day! Today wasn't horrible though. Lucky was kind enough to get me a present for all the mornings I get up early and the scratch marks I bare etc. Simon tried to tell me he put the cat in the car and carried him through the store until he found the present he wanted. Stupid I know but it did make me smile!

Another reason I hate Mother's Day is because of how we generally spend it. Normally, we all get together and go out to eat somewhere. However, not a single soul tries to make reservation. I mean Mother's Day wouldn't be a busy day where every single fertile soul and their offspring attempt to eat out or anything. I mean making a reservation would be silly. Needless to say we waste a good hour trying to find a place to eat and then we generally end up complaining about it.

This year Simon's mommy said she wanted to have high tea at a local cafe she enjoys instead of presents. I was all over that like white on rice. So I made a reservation a month in advanced and we showed up right on time. Well they had us wait about 10 minutes because there were still people on our table. Now generally this wouldn't be a problem for normal people. I am not normal. If I make a reservation and YOU MAKE ME PICK A TABLE and I have a weird phobia about strangers brushing past me so I pick a table in the corner....YOU BETTER GIVE ME

THAT TABLE!!!! They didn't. They made us wait and then they sat us in the middle of the effin' room. None of us were amuse.

Eventually the food came and we were all very hungry. Surprisingly, everyone enjoyed it. The waitress accidently brought us an extra tier of goodies. Because we all going to hell we didn't say anything. I thought that made up for making us wait and then putting us at the wrong table. So it all ended well. I even got to take home the extra cupcakes but they got left at his parent's house!!!! They probably won't be there tomorrow. Oh well it's probably the last thing I need.

So today is officially CYCLE DAY ONE!!!! My little friend appeared today. So we are finally

under way. The emotions are starting too. I spent about 20 minutes today thinking...are we really ready? Michael's girlfriend is in childcare and she said she would take care of our baby for us. So I am actually feeling better about that. He just better not do anything to screw up the relationship. I need a NANNY for the future uncooked baby who is really just an egg in my body.

Happy Mother's Day!

To the wonderful woman who had to spend days stuck in bed on bedrest and has seen me through the good times and picked me up during the bad times.

Love you Momma!

Plans changed

I had big plans for this weekend. I was finally going to get to the Autumn Festival in Bright, Victoria. Apple orchard, parade, craft stalls and most importantly beautiful autumn leaves. Well at 11:30 last night I woke up with the mother of all sore throats. Apparently all my snoring wasn't helping the cause either. So I took Advil and tried to go back to sleep but at midnight we called the trip off. I got up at 5:30 am to feed the cat and thought we should go. I am ultimately glad we didn't because I would have been miserable. Instead I have spent the day in bed with a white fluffy kitty who graciously volunteered to keep me company and sleep in the middle of the bed.

In infertility news....I am still waiting for the period to rear its ugly head. I thought it was

starting last night but not quite yet. It's toying with me. What I really hate is wearing pads. I feel like I am wearing a diaper no matter how thin it is. And I can swear that everyone tell though I know they can't. Plus as a teacher I can't just go to the bathroom whenever I like which adds an extra layer of excitement. My skin has started to break out as well. Simon was kind of enough to ask what the red mark on my face was. Hey thanks, hun!

I don't really have any up or down emotions right now but I am starting to feel like I am in a holding pattern. We aren't really moving forward in the cycle. Oh, the super news is the breast pain is completely gone! So is the massive appetite. Tiredness is still hanging around but I am blaming it on the cold or virus I have. All I can think about now is....

Chili's Chips and Salsa!

I think this will be the first place I eat at when I get back to the states!

OUCHY!!

So today is day 6 and I have stopped the Provera. Hallelujah and Praise Jesus! I have been experiencing some awesome side effects. Most notably my breasts HURT! Not just tender but effin' hurt! It hurts to put a bra on. It hurts to not wear a bra. It hurts if I hug Sim. It hurts if anything touches or brushes them. Then because we are in autumn, if I get cold I just want to cry. Today is much better but the pain is still somewhat there.

My next side effect is tiredness. I don't mean have an extra coffee to perk up tired. I mean falling asleep at 5:30 tired! So for the past couple of nights I have been in bed at 8:30 and sleeping in until about 6:30 in the morning. Apparently, I am not the only tired person because not even the alarm going off this morning phased the cat who was literally sleeping on my head. If it was for writing this, I would probably be sleeping now.

The worst of it is the headaches. They might not be related to the medication because I still have them after stopping. Holy hell! I feel like I am on the verge of a migraine every afternoon and my eyebrows hurt. I don't really want to keep taking Advil but it's the only thing helping.

Mix all the side effects together, with the eating everything in sight or feeling the urge to spew, and you think I was pregnant! At least the delusional part of my tiny mind is wondering "could I be?". Of course the answer is NO you frigging idiot! Blood tests don't lie do they? No ovulation=no egg=no baby.

So that is the update. Now I am going to get in my jammies and crawl under the covers.

Baby...Take 2!

So today is cycle day 3. WOOHOO! Actually not woohoo. Is increased appetite a side effect of provera? All I can do is each today. I am sure anyon

e who walked in our house would have thought Jabba the Hut was on our couch. I spent the whole day in my jammies shoveling food in my mouth. We are going out to dinner tonight so I actually had to showered and find jeans that can get over my massive muffin top.

I also spent the day indulging in horrible activities. What might that be? Reading blogs and watching wedding recaps! Probably not a productive way to spend the day but what can I say?! Sadly, I think it got my hopes up. I don't necessary think that I will get pregnant this cycle but I am hoping this is the dose that I need to be on so that I can. With all that said I am pretty sure I felt this exact same way last month, too.

I really don't want to get my hopes up too much because I am quickly realizing its not the negative thoughts but the positive ones that kill you. At least if you are thinking "this didn't work" than you are less crushed when it doesn't.

And in TOTAL honesty I am starting to panic a little. The

dreaded "is this the right time to have a baby" question is starting to rear its ugly head today. I want a baby sooo bad, but do I want it too bad? I am worried about surviving financial once the baby comes. We have to be a two income family there is just no way around it. Childcare costs an assload of money and I am not overly excited to put my child in a daycare. I panic about my family being on the other side of the world and missing out. There are so many questions floating around in my tiny mind. I know that if I dwell on them too long I lose my tiny mind!

Here is some non-infertility related nonsense...

It was a quiet weekend at our house all around. Yesterday, was an absolutely beautiful autumn day here. I woke up on a mission to get things done. I suddenly felt like everything needed to get off my to-do list. Sim was annoyed with my energy to get things done but he hopped on board. We started by washing the outside of all the windows. If you have never used Windex Outdoors you are seriously missing out. It was incredibly easy and FUN! I have never seen my husband so excited to wash windows in my life.

Damn it woman! Don't you have anything better to do than take my picture? Go eat more chips!

Then Simon's dad came over because Simon thought they might be able to jump start the car. They did get it going and he drove around for a while but this morning the car was dead again. I am starting to feel a little bit of relief knowing that buying a new battery for the car is way cheaper than a new car.

Tomorrow are parent teacher conferences at school so I worked hard for the rest of the day finishing off everyone's learning goals and plans ready to present to all the Mommies and Daddies. I still have a few things to finish up up tomorrow but I think this is the most prepared I have been in ages.

The momentum kept on rolling. I started at one end of the house and started cleaning until I reached the other end. Simon helped as well. He tends to the dishes. I don't know how that happened but I think it's because he just has to load/unload the dishwasher. Plus he has a clear view at whatever sport is on my t.v..

It was a good thing I got all the housework done yesterday because I have been a huge blob today. Sim and I started the morning by watching Suze Orman. I LOVE her! I don't understand as much about financial planning or retirement as a I should. She makes it simple enough for us to understand. Simon loves the "Can I Afford It?" section and predicting what Suze will say. The "How am I doing?" was definite wake up call for him this morning. The couple was our ages so I think that completely opened his eyes. Our financial house is not in order. In fact our financial house is probably more like a fraternity house after a party.