I don't know if this is a side effect of Clomid but I am in a deep funk. So deep I want to be done and feel mildly at peace with the whole thought. I am tired of doing this day in and day out. I am tried of counting cycle days, getting my hopes up for phantom symptoms, and pretending that I am okay with everything!
I just want to get on with my life. I can't possibly imagine the pain and heartache others have dealt with while enduring years of infertility. Especially those that end up "empty handed". If they could go back in time, would they change things? Would they "cut their losses" and move on before they sunk more time, money, and heartache in?
I am so tired of crying. I am so tired of thinking why me. I am not a person who takes NO for an answer when I want to achieve my goal. But for the very first time I am starting to question myself. At what cost do I want a baby? What would I trade for it? My marriage? My health? My sanity?
Last night I told Simon that I wanted to be done. Apparently he is not okay with that. In fact he got very angry at the thought of giving up. He has been incredibly sweet today. He has tried his very hardest to clean up the house and do laundry today. I am very grateful! I pretty much spent the day in bed and slept a lot.
I took my last dose of Clomid tonight. I am tempted to say my last dose ever but I can't make that call yet. I am not sure what tomorrow holds in store for me, but hopefully it's answers.
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