There's More Drama

Uggghhhh!!!! I don't know what to do. I am afraid to post but I desperately want to. Let's just say we now OFFICIALLY have no clue what is happening in the uterus. There has been lots of dramas this past week. I was supposed to go see the doctor on Monday but because of the dramas they want to hold off!

Now I don't do well with the "hold off" concept. I WANT TO KNOW!!!!! The two week wait was the equivalent to the two month wait. Plus when you are waiting all you do is search the internet for answers. Then 98% of the time I scare the holy beejeezus out me. So I am pretty much trying to avoid the computer.

I have lost my tiny mind beyond anything imaginable. I don't know what to do or not to--OR how to feel! Pilates- good or bad? Oesto appointment because my back HATES ME with the fire of a 1,000 suns- good or bad? Do you tell the Oesto what is happening in the uterus without 100% certainty?

And I won't know for another WEEK! So I get to play out the unknown in my head a million different ways a million different times. I just keep praying for a happy, healthy baby in my arms.

So VERY close!

I am getting extremely close to having all the pieces fit into place. Unfortunately I have one more hurdle to clear and I promised Simon I wouldn't post until then. I might break down and post anyways but I really want to try and keep my word. My anxiety is taking me to brand new reaches of insanity.

Here is a random picture that are making me laugh lately! Enjoy or not!!

A quick update...

Please bear with me. Things are happening behind the scenes but the whole story isn't ready yet. I promise the moment the last piece fits into place that I will post the whole thing. This is definitely a test of my sanity. If something funny happens that is not related than I will post. Thanks for understanding.

Sorry

I don't have much to post. I am just trying to get to Monday when I have my first blood test. I'm having lots of mild to maybe moderate cramping. It has me completely freaked out. So far no spotting but this is about the time it all went horribly wrong. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS WORK. LET ME HAVE A HAPPY HEALTHY TAKE HOME BABY.

P.S. I shall be peeing on a stick on Friday but we are going away until Sunday. Sorry to keep anyone who cares in suspense.

Tales From The Edge of Sanity

Tomorrow begins my first WHOLE week of work. I am determined to achieve a better work-life balance. One of the things I miss about not living at my parent's house anymore is coming home to find dinner ready to eat. I wish I would have known then what I knew now and I probably would have appreciated those dinners a little more. Who cares if its leftovers!

I should mention that I hate going to grocery store more than I hate making dinner. Mainly because I hate having to find a place to park. Everyone in there is as exhausted as I am. Usually there are several children who I am pretty sure want to be anywhere else than in the grocery store. Somehow I mindlessly wander from one end of the store to the other because I can't managed to grab everything when I go by it the first time. I always end up with something extra and usually forget something I needed. Going to the store 3-4 times a week is craziness!

I decided last night that I need to put a stop to the insanity. I sat down browsing all those food blogs I constantly look at and think "hey I should make that sometime" and made a dinner plan for the week. I am going to be sooo on top of all this! I could just feel the awesomeness radiating off me!

Armed with my list I braved the grocery store. HOLY MOTHER OF... Did you know that everyone single person in the neighborhood likes to shop at 12:30 on a Sunday afternoon? I didn't. Still determined I persevered. All was going very well... I wasn't forgetting things I wasn't grabbing lots of extra things. I came to the personal hygiene aisle. I needed soap so I had to go down the aisle plus being the negative thinker that I am I need to stock up on supplies for the return of the vampire uterus. The bonus was my pads were on sale but I think the checkout teenage boy looked a little nervous when he was ringing up 3 mega boxes of them.

However, in between the soap and pads are the pregnancy tests. The magnetic pull was sooooooooooo strong. I stood there in front of the pregnancy tests (plus 20 different types of condoms) contemplating what I should do. I have a couple boxes of E.P.T pregnancy tests at home already. But everyone seems to think First Response Early Results are the grand pooh-bah of pregnancy tests. Then there are the digital Clear Blue Easy with their lovely pregnant or not pregnant display. No over analyzing or attempting to interpret the faintest of little pink lines.

Now one of the blogs I read always waits to the First Response ones last because they pick up a pretty low level of HCG so if it's negative between 10-15 days past ovulation you usually aren't pregnant. I think I agree with her. I don't see or hear of that many people who had a bunch of negative First Response tests and later found out they were pregnant. Then like most people I am hoping to take a Clear Blue Easy Digital test to get that magic "pregnant".

Of course this is all replaying through my head as I stand in front of the display. And because I am planning on testing on Tuesday and I don't want to have keep making trips to the grocery store I am questioning whether I should buy the tests now. Am I going to jinx myself?? Would this just be a waste of money?? Will this just make me go home and start peeing on pregnancy test sticks? Then you are in that weird yes-take a step to grab a box then no-step back I don't need it phase. I am feel like I looked like a tourist staring at panda bears in the zoo! I am pretty sure everyone else thought I was mentally deranged in front of the condoms (because the large boxes of pads would negate the need for pregnancy tests).

On another fun "hopefully I am pregnant" symptom note...I am back to having STRANGE STRANGE dreams. Generally, of the sexual nature. Let's see in my dreams last night I was skinny (WOOT! WOOT!) wearing expensive lingerie having sex with my boyfriend in the first class airport lounge. Then another dream about having sex with my OLDER (like George Clooney older) boyfriend. Then other weird things I don't 100% remember.

On that note I shall finish because crazy sex dreams, stockpiling personal hygiene products and coveting pregnancy tests is pretty much the end of sanity for me.

Resisting The Pull!

I am sure it's way to early in the day to post and I will probably end up posting again *inserts sounds of horror and chaos here*.

I was able to resist the pull this morning so I am celebrating my 8th day of being home pregnancy test free! I feel like I need a pin or something. The girls are still sore but I can't tell if they are lessing in their size and pain. Which now has me thinking I am not pregnant. This morning Simon complained about how he keeps waking up congested. Well....crap! I was hoping to attribute mine to pregnancy symptoms but I guess I really can't since I am pretty sure only I get pregnant. And my sore throat is gone. I am not honestly not too heartbroken to see that one go. UGGH! Why do I have over analyze this???

Anywho! This morning I woke up a little bit frightened. Lucky, the cat, always sleep with me in my armpit. He is not a fan of Simon touching him when he is sleeping next to me in the morning. So this morning when Simon woke up, he reached over me and started patting him. Well he was one pissed off little kitty. I could feel his tail flicking against me. Then I open my eyes to find him staring me down like MAKE HIM STOP! Unfortunately, this isn't the first morning that I have woken up wondering if the cat is making an attempt on my life.

So I am going to go read my book and try and make it through the day without obsessing on the fact I am or am not pregnant. Yeah it's pretty sad when you're already obsessing on the sadness of not being pregnant. I have lost my tiny mind.

Peeing On Sticks

OH MY GOODNESS!!! All I want to do is pee on a stick! I want to take a home pregnancy test with every fiber of my being. The horrible part is I have a couple home pregnancy tests just sitting around waiting. I promised myself I was going to wait this time. I wasn't really going to test.

My original thought was testing on the 10th of February because I don't want to find out the hard way on my birthday. That would be the Friday before blood test on the following Monday. I am pretty sure that I would get an appropriate reading then. Also the doctor in the ER told me that it's pretty much concrete science that everyone gets a period 14 days after ovulation if they aren't pregnant. The 10th of Feb. would actually be 14 days after my IUI.

So what does one do to resist the urge? Well, I went on the internet hoping to find LOTS of common sense that said I had to wait and test would be futile. That is exactly what I didn't find! Apparently I one of millions of infertile women the world wide desperate to know as early as possible. Message boards, polls etc. all proclaiming women peeing on stick as early as 6 days after ovulation!!

I think as group (infertiles) we have descend to a new level called "tweaking". Women are posting pictures of their home pregnancy tests to have other "tweaking" them in photoshop to confirm to disconfirm the mystical second line that we all see after a while. I think I shall not be participating in this. But I am not above eating my own words if I do.

So where I stand is I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to take a test tomorrow morning. I would say my desire to take the test tomorrow is just under my desire to have a baby. But I am hoping I can hang in their until the 7th which is a Tuesday.

This next part is really more for me but if anyone else cares, I hope it helps.

My throat is killing me. It has been for a while now. I keep feeling mild cramping and twinges in my random areas but mainly in the ovaries. I am still awesomely bloated but more clothes are fitting. I am either WAY hungry or not all...go figure. And my lower back hurts. Now I could probably attribute each of theses symptoms to something else logically but I am hoping they are early pregnancy symptoms.

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LET ME PREGNANT! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Bipolar Emotions

Ohhhhh I have soooooooooo much to tell you (hopefully, actual readers and not the voices in my head) about!!!

First and absolutely foremost....MY BREASTS HURT!!! I thought they hurt last time but I am pretty sure this is topping last time. The problem doesn't really kick in until the afternoon. Don't get me wrong they hurt in the morning. I have to give myself a minor pep talk to put my bra on. If anyone or thing touches them it's tender. By the afternoon the bra is out to get me! Like I have managed to grow a size in 8 hours or perhaps I am one of those fat girls in denial and squish myself into a smaller size. The only relief is taking the evil device off. This results in the WORST BREAST PAIN EVER!!! The moment the girls are no longer supporting their own weight (equivalent to a small schnauzer) and gravity takes over they feel like they are being RIPPED off my body.

The rest of my symptoms, or lack there of, seem to point more towards PMS and failure. My face seems to be breaking out. I have started to feel really hungry. For example, I ate breakfast at 8:30 yesterday and was shaking for food at 11. I am still bloating. I think my undies gave me muffin top this morning. From researching (obsessing) early pregnancy symptoms, my missing friend cervical mucus is not a good sign either.

Today my friend announced that she is expected her first baby. For some reason I thought she was pregnant and was going to tell us at Julia's Christening. It turns out that she was actually pregnant and didn't want to say until she was past the 12 week mark. It goes without saying that I am very happy and excited for her. But that is not what I was feeling when she told us. I think I was numb for the first hour. Then it didn't seem to be such a shock because I was expecting her to tell us any time now. She has never kept it a secret that she wanted a baby soon.

Once the shock wore off I was still pretty confused. I literally went from high to low in the span of 1.9 seconds. I am in the middle of a cycle and I could be pregnant too! My symptoms totally point to NOT PREGNANT!! Now after thinking this through (trying to put coherent sentences together) I think this is a really, really bad thing. It only seems to have two outcomes right now. 1- We are pregnant together YEA!!!! 2- I will even worse if this fails.

I have been trying to write this post for over an hour now so I am stopping for tonight. Don't worry more crazy will follow tomorrow!