Losing My Tiny Mind

I probably shouldn't be typing this right now but I seriously don't care!

I successfully drove to my appointment solo today. Yeaaaa me! Only to have a major traffic accident happen in front of the office. Then I had my scan. NOTHING! NADA! I can't be bothered counting the number of days right now but how the bloody hell can I not have anything growing but a trillion tiny eggs? And I knew I would be bleeding after she pulled the wand out because it was red. Then my next question is why didn't she say something? I totally had to ask!!! Then I really didn't get a satisfactory response. I didn't get much of a response at all. All I was told was that my levels are low. Complete random side note...apparently ever other single infertile gets to find out what the hell their levels are. I DON'T?? I am not sure what they are even testing for. I should probably ask but whatever... So it is time to take more blood. My freaking veins collapsed. It took three different people and they barely got enough. I found out this afternoon that I don't have to increase my dose. But nothing else.

So I am celebrating by drinking a bottle of champagne on my own. Well that is a bit of a lie. My in-laws got the keys to their new house and I took a bottle around to share with them. But I am finishing it off because they don't have a fridge to put it in yet.

I feel like a complete failure. I can't even do what other infertiles can do. I CAN'T GROW A FUCKING EGG! My damn cat is probably the closest I am ever going to get to my own damn child. It's killing me. I get up at 5 in the morning to be told I am a failure. I spend all day long with other people's fucking children. I have spent all week with people asking me if I have seen Anna's baby and how she is doing. I am tired of the vertigo and the injections. I am doing all the right things!!! I am eating healthier, not drinking caffeine and taking the stupid prenatal vitamins. WHY?! What is the fucking point?

Simon should have married someone else. He would have had children by now. She could have been Australian and then there wouldn't have been cultural clash issues. He wouldn't have to spend money sending her back to America. And maybe he would have found her attractive. Because I am pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I am bloated and just plain fucking fat to start with. I have to shave the fucking hair off my chin. I don't even want me.