Large Crater

When I started all this I promised myself that I would not write post after post where I complained or was negative. I told myself in the states that I wasn't going to focus on this and enjoy my life. I LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hurting right now. On Monday, Simon really hurt me. He has been going with me to my appointments because I don't feel confident enough to drive myself there given that its 1.5 hours away. On the way there he said to me that he was just going to sit in the car because it's not like anything would have happened anyway. OUCH!

Of course as luck would have it I actually went backwards. How can I go backwards??!! On Thursday, Leith said I had a couple that looked like they were maturing. On Monday, Susan only found "a gazillion" tiny ones on each side. What happened to my maturing eggs??!!!

Now my number is 100 IU. I'm double what I started at. Between hearing that, what Simon said, and seeing the waiting room full of skinny infertiles I have been really upset. Going to work everyday feels like 21 little slaps in the face. I am so jealous of Anna right now. Even the one of the girls in my pilates class rocked up with her cute 4 month pregnancy belly (I didn't know she was pregnant and she hasn't been there so it was a surprise).

I am scared. Really scared. I always thought even if Clomid fails (and boy did it!) that I could move onto IUI. IUI and Puregon were the big guns. How could I fail? How could my wonky body not step up and start behaving more normally? And now that even IUI seems no match for the ovaries of doom, I am crushed. Yes, I realize I am being a bit premature in the fail department but it's my infertility and I can cry if I want to!

I want the cute belly. I want to say that I carried my baby. I want to feel him or her from the inside. I want to be able to do what everyone else seems to be able to do effortlessly. I am so scared that I will never get that chance. And that leads to thinking about what I did wrong. Whether you believe in karma, destiny, God etc. I constantly over analyze what I could have done differently. Yes, there are probably half a million people out there right now that would kill to have my problems. People with 3 year old children who have brain cancer or children in the NICU. People without jobs or in abusive relationships etc.. I am very aware that my life is the garden of eden compared to lots. And that makes me feel even worse.

The truly pathetic part of all this is I am crying because I can't remember everything I wanted to say in this post. I'm crying because it doesn't sound a smooth and eloquent as I wanted it to sound. I am mentally and physically wore out that the moment. I am really struggling and at a lose of what to do now.