A little late night perspective

Have you ever been faced with knowing what you want to say and just can't find the right words? Well, this would be one of those moments. I think I have tried to type this post about 4 times now. Let's just preface this with I might actually be getting a period. A real life my body did it all by itself period!!! Oh and the mood swings came too.

Tonight I was invited to a lingerie party. I was happy to go and get the gossip that I soo avoid whenever possible. That is until I realize the party was on a Thursday night... not the Friday night I was originally told about by a certain person who shall remain nameless but needs to get some FRIGGIN' calendar reading skills. I haven't been feeling up to public appearances today. Nothing says staying at home like not showering in 36 hours. Let's face it with the possibility of a period on the horizon I feel FAT and just yuck! So I took the time and effort to get moderately dolled up. After all no one else should have to suffer sitting next to me.

On the way to my friend's house I suddenly needed gum and a large amount of cash because I heard that this shit is crazy expensive! So I pulled in to the nearest 7 Eleven and proceeded to withdraw $100 from our account. I was in physical pain. We have so many bills to pay off and new bills will be coming in and our savings account is turning into a joke! No really even the very nice lady at the bank mentioned to us about withdrawing the money from the savings account and just putting it all into checkings. But that whole must keep up the appearances part of me kicked in.

I was not happy with the gum selection. I didn't want Extra. I didn't want mint flavors. I couldn't for the life of me interpret wtf the 5 gum flavors were. Obviously I don't chew gum a whole heck of a lot anymore. So I bought a pack of extra spearmint. I got back into the car and attempted to get the gum out of the packet. That is when it happened. I lost my tiny mind over a packet of gum. I couldn't find the pull tab. I was even reduced to prying the package open with my teeth which didn't work! Moments from chucking the whole f-ing pack out the window I finally managed to get a small part of the plastic ripped off and then used my car keys for the rest. Gum made me cry. Gum made me scream. It wasn't even satisfying when I finally got a piece because I really didn't want Extra or a mint flavor.

I sat through the speech by the very nice lady. I even had a few things in mind. Everyone was talking about what they were going to buy. They kept asking me if I had Simon's credit card. Which I find disturbing on about 4 different levels but I shall not go into that now. Then I saw the price list. One bra which looks crappier than the one I was currently wearing cost $92! Yes you read that right. All I could think was shut the front door!!! You want me to pay how much???!!! They had these amazingly soft lounge pants with roll top (possibly nice if I can ever manage to stop being infertile) so I thought maybe those... $129.50!! I am pretty sure I sat shell shocked for a good 23 minutes. Here were at least 5 other women with catalogues in hand picking out numerous items or pointing the 6 different items they already owned. $92 just to get the damn bra in RED!!! Hell just bring it over to our house and let Simon do the laundry. It will be red when he is finished.

In the end I was the only person who didn't order anything. I felt bad for about 7 minutes until I realized what I wanted was much better than a bra. I took my mere $100 home with me comforted by the fact that I can put it back tomorrow. Well actually I am sure it will be pay for my counseling appointment tomorrow. I realized some things tonight even if I only hold on to those things for a short time.

1. Decline future invitations to lingerie parties!
2. If it's not what you really want don't get it.
3. I want something far greater and important than keeping up appearances. No amount of pretending is not going to change my situation. I won't wake up tomorrow and be pregnant or fertile or possibly even happy, but I would have felt a lot worse if I had spent that money on something I really didn't want (see #2)(maybe I really did want those pants!)

Life feels really crumbing right now. I am sure anyone that was actually reading this has stopped. Right now this is how I cope. Maybe that counseling session tomorrow won't be such a bad thing. Now I am going to go cope by getting in my $25 target jammies, pull the covers up over my head and cry a little.