I am sure I am not alone but I do feel a little weird admitting that I have a special box of baby things just waiting for a baby. I started the box back when I was in university. It started with the cutest baby pajamas ever. Well cute to me because I have always collected Hello Kitty. They were on sale for almost nothing so I didn't feel guilty. Then a friend got pregnant so I went shopping for a present for her. I found something I thought I liked but later found an outfit I liked better. So I kept the first outfit and added it the closet with the pajamas. Then my niece was born and other friends had babies. I was always convinced that I would have a baby shortly after getting married. I slowly just started adding things to my baby collection and now I have a box. From time to time I like to take it out of the closet and look at it.
A's baby shower is this week and I have been working on putting together her diaper cake. I have been very excited and not at all bothered by it until the other night. I started rolling up like 75 tiny newborn/infant diapers. At first I was all..." how tiny and cute are these!!!". Then about 18 in I was starting to feel a little jealous about how soon A would be putting these away in her nursery preparing for the baby to come home. Then as the rubber bands were hurting my fingers I just wanted to be done. I just wanted to put them back in the big box they came in but I got it finished.
The other "fun" part of the diaper cake is finding small baby items to "accessorize/decorate" the cake with. That saw me spending about 4 hours looking at different items like socks, hats, pacifiers, bottles, outfits and toys. I didn't really find anything I loved. Well I found LOTS of things I loved and was dying to add to my box. Truthfully, I found LOTS of things I loved and was dying to be PREGNANT. I think the best accomplishment is I didn't actually buy anything to add to my collection. In fact I turned to my collection to find the accessories I wanted. It is a little bitter sweet. I feel like I have been saving these items for ages and someone should be using them. But I still felt a little sad because I had bought those items for my little baby I was sure I would have by now.
I have been trying to focus on our home in all this as a means of distraction and because it has always been a dream. When buying our home we put a lot of thought into finding a house that would be able to accommodate the family we wanted. Even at the planning stage we always referred to bedroom 3 as the "baby's room". It currently holds random boxes and junk that doesn't get used everyday or ever (it really needs to be cleaned out). Today is the first time I have really hated that room. I found myself standing there slowly looking through my collection (to find the things I need for the cake) and looking around at this pathetic room. My heart just hurt. Hurt the most it has in a long time. Will this room ever be used as it was intend? Will I ever get to use my collection?
Today I am just going to be sad and let it be okay to be sad. Hopefully, in a few short weeks we will be back on our way. I know it will happen when it's supposed to happen but can't it "suppose" to happen quicker?
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